In the early hours of a summer day, I reached out to my friend Laura, asking for a ride to the airport. To my delight, she enthusiastically agreed. She even offered to join me in exploring potential new homes, deeming it a “fun” adventure. This was a stark contrast to the reactions I had received from most of my friends—those who were too caught up in their own lives to lend a hand when I needed support.
When I was facing a challenging time during my father’s cancer treatments in New York City, many friends declined my request for car-sitting assistance. However, one steadfast friend, Emily, stepped in without hesitation. I offered her snacks and reading material to make the task more enjoyable, but she simply smiled and said, “I’ll just watch the world go by. It’ll be fun.”
As we transition into our 40s and beyond, I find that our criteria for friendship often shifts. We begin to seek companions who offer more than just excitement; we desire reliability and genuine support. My more flamboyant friends undoubtedly keep life interesting, but I increasingly value those who are dependable—those who will drive me to appointments or show up when they say they will.
During a graduate school project that required insights from a distant location, Emily faced her shyness and gathered valuable interviews from patrons at the New York Doll Hospital. Though often overlooked due to her quiet demeanor, she possesses a vibrant spirit that I have come to appreciate deeply over the years. She is an adventurous cook and dancer, willing to explore new experiences, even if she doesn’t always stand out in a crowd.
Comparatively, my college acquaintance “Jessica” was a dazzling presence—everyone admired her charm and brilliance. However, once we graduated, I found myself initiating every conversation and event, leading to a gradual decline in our relationship. I would gladly choose a friend like Emily over a thousand dazzling Jessica types. For example, Emily attended a concert with me, even though she was unfamiliar with the artist. She reassured me that if I felt overwhelmed, all I needed to do was look at her, and we’d leave without question. In this way, she represents the comfort of a warm embrace rather than the allure of a masterpiece.
It’s essential to note that my steady friends are not devoid of intrigue; they are just not as ostentatiously captivating. They are intelligent and engaging, yet their brilliance is more subdued. I can rely on Emily, Laura, and others for anything—they provide sustenance to my emotional well-being. In contrast, someone like Jessica was merely a sprinkle of excitement in my life.
In my youth, I often gravitated towards friendships that sparkled brilliantly but quickly fizzled out. One such individual, “Caroline,” captivated me with her energy, but our bond was short-lived, serving as a reminder that fleeting connections can be deceiving. With each new friendship, I recall the wisdom that those who burn bright can cool just as quickly.
Romantically, I too have noticed a shift in my preferences. In my younger years, I was drawn to the brooding and artistic types, often overlooking the reliable partners who would lend a helping hand over crafting poetic verses. If I could meet my younger self, I would advise her to steer clear of the tortured artists, as their emotional burdens can become tiresome. Nowadays, I find greater comfort in a partner who can tackle practical issues rather than wallow in past wounds.
In summary, my friendships have evolved from seeking the dazzling to valuing the dependable. My ideal companions embody traits akin to the Boy Scout law: trustworthy, loyal, kind, and helpful. This perspective does not imply I expect something in return; rather, it emphasizes the importance of having friends who are genuinely present and supportive.
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