Last Friday, I unexpectedly experienced vomiting. That afternoon brought cramps and an overwhelming urge for a nap, compelling me to cancel my plans. Moments later, I received a text from a friend that read: “Perhaps you’re pregnant! Or maybe it’s undercooked chicken. The line between pregnancy and salmonella is razor-thin.”
Indeed, there is a THIN line between the two scenarios, which is less than ideal. As someone actively trying to conceive and who frequently indulges in questionable food (yes, I’m looking at you, food court), I can’t help but ponder what Mother Nature was thinking when she crafted this whole process. It feels almost as if Mother Nature has a flair for comedy. To complicate matters further, someone decided it would be amusing to make PMS symptoms almost indistinguishable as well. Hilarious!
Dear Mother Nature, you managed to create the butterfly—a stunning masterpiece with intricate designs and vibrant colors. Yet, you couldn’t devise clearer distinctions between the early stages of life, foodborne illness, and PMS? How is that possible?
Three Minutes Inside My Mind:
I feel bloated. These jeans are tight. I must be pregnant!
Oh wait, I just need to use the restroom. And these are size 4—who am I kidding? That’s better. Not pregnant. Definitely not.
Why am I tearing up at this commercial? So emotional! I must be pregnant. But honestly, that was a touching commercial. Anyone would get choked up, right?
But these cramps don’t feel typical. This isn’t how my period usually feels… or is it? I can’t even recall what my period is supposed to feel like. Yet I’m certain I don’t usually urinate this frequently.
Unless it’s the juice. Yeah, I always need to go when I drink juice, so it could just be that.
However, the frequent bathroom trips combined with sore breasts indicate I’m definitely pregnant. Unless my bra is too tight, which, coupled with the juice, could explain it too.
But this heightened sense of smell? Man, I can detect everything! Sure, my partner is eating garlic bread, and that’s potent, but it’s never been this strong. No one should have this kind of nose. And the nausea? What a great sign! Unless it’s not, because the cheese I had for lunch was definitely expired.
Since Mother Nature clearly isn’t prioritizing user-friendliness, I’ve created a reference guide to help decipher whether you’re pregnant, suffering from food poisoning, or just experiencing PMS.
Reference Guide:
- Cramps may occur during implantation, PMS, or food poisoning.
- Bleeding can happen with implantation or PMS.
- Vomiting can indicate pregnancy or food poisoning.
- Constipation might signal pregnancy or simply too many steak subs.
- Tiredness can arise from being sick, pregnant, caring for a toddler, or staying up too late binge-watching your favorite show.
- Tender breasts can signal pregnancy or result from over-examining them to determine if they’re sore (which you’d do to check for pregnancy).
Hopefully, this helps clarify your situation. Mother Nature, we need more clarity—though I must say, your work with butterflies is truly impressive.
This article was originally published on May 8, 2015.
For additional insights, check out our post on intracervical insemination and explore at-home insemination kits from Make a Mom for a deeper understanding of your options. For comprehensive information on infertility and conception, visit CDC’s resource page.
Summary:
This article humorously explores the confusing overlap between pregnancy symptoms, food poisoning, and PMS. It provides a light-hearted reference guide to help differentiate between the three, emphasizing the need for clearer signals from Mother Nature.