Updated: Dec. 14, 2023
Originally Published: April 29, 2023
In early 2020, my second child was stillborn during my third trimester, leaving my first son, who was nearly three years old, grappling with the absence of his sibling. One of the most challenging tasks my partner and I faced was explaining to our toddler that the baby he had been eagerly anticipating would not be joining our family.
As parents, it is natural to want to shield our children from heart-wrenching realities. The grief associated with infant loss is immense, and discussing pregnancy loss can feel overwhelming, particularly for young children who may not fully comprehend the situation. Unfortunately, avoiding the topic can have negative effects, regardless of the good intentions behind it. Pregnancy and infant loss remain largely unspoken subjects, even though statistics show that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, with around 50,000 infants stillborn or dying within the first month of life each year in the U.S.
Pregnancy and infant loss often lead to what is known as ambiguous loss, which can confuse both adults and children. According to research, “ambiguous loss refers to losses that are not easily defined or understood … these losses may be considered taboo,” making it difficult for children to articulate their feelings or understand their grief. Adults often fail to recognize how children experience this type of loss, leading to a lack of validation for their feelings.
When approaching the topic with children, it is essential to recognize that there is no single right way to communicate. Different ages and personalities within a family may require tailored strategies. Pediatrician Dr. Mark Johnson emphasizes that parents know their children best and that it is crucial to be open about emotions. Children often have a unique ability to sense their parents’ feelings, and allowing them to share in that emotional space can be healing for everyone involved.
It is not necessary to delve into intricate details; children may process difficult news better when given information in small, digestible pieces. As Dr. Johnson points out, “children often revisit bad news to understand it better.” Therefore, allowing your child to guide the conversation can be beneficial.
Creating connections through simple presence can also be comforting during this time. If parents need support, they can rely on family and friends who are willing to help. Children may require reassurance about their own safety and well-being, so it is crucial to maintain open lines of communication to prevent feelings of isolation.
Supporting your child through their imaginative process can also be valuable. For young children, the boundary between reality and imagination is often fluid. If your child expresses feelings of missing the baby, it is important to validate those feelings and help them navigate their understanding. This shared grief can create a bond, demonstrating that both parent and child are experiencing the loss together.
In the aftermath of our own loss, we received invaluable advice from our pediatrician to establish two or three non-negotiable family rules—such as bedtime and screen time limits—while allowing flexibility in other areas. This approach helped us create a sense of normalcy amidst chaos, fostering a supportive environment for everyone.
Years later, my children continue to ask about their brother they never met. Their curiosity reflects a shared family experience of loss, and we navigate this together, maintaining a dialogue that honors his memory while moving forward.
For more resources on emotional wellness and family dynamics, refer to Medical News Today’s fertility section. And for those interested in home insemination options, check out Make a Mom’s at-home insemination kit, which might offer valuable insights. You can also explore our terms and conditions for more information.
Summary:
Discussing pregnancy and infant loss with children can be a sensitive and challenging task for parents. It is vital to communicate openly and tailor your approach to suit your child’s age and personality. Providing reassurance, validating feelings, and maintaining a connection can aid in the healing process for both parents and children. Establishing a few family rules can foster a sense of stability during difficult times, allowing families to navigate their grief together.