Throughout my life, I’ve always considered myself quite driven. Balancing various jobs, freelance assignments, and late-night fiction writing, I’ve worked diligently to reach my objectives. Seven years ago, I also embraced motherhood. I’ve authored several books through small and trade publishers and contributed hundreds of articles. I have even been invited to speak at conferences. At 40, my accomplishments seem commendable, although my aspirations of becoming a renowned novelist or magazine journalist remain unfulfilled.
Last year, as I celebrated my 40th birthday, a stark realization hit me—I was officially beyond the eligibility for awards like “Top Writers Under 40” and “Five Under 35.” To add to my dismay, I recently connected with numerous ambitious professionals in their twenties through a networking group. These remarkable young women appeared to have meticulously crafted career plans from an early age, achieving placements in prestigious publications I’ve dreamt of since childhood, such as The New Yorker and The Paris Review. They occupy executive roles in major media firms and have contributed to well-known television shows. Many of them hold multiple degrees and have publicists and personal assistants. They are shaping the future, and I couldn’t help but feel overshadowed.
In light of this, I began to question my choices in my twenties, particularly my decision to forgo journalism school or living in a bustling metropolis like New York. The question “What’s next?” often loomed over me, leaving me in a state of uncertainty.
Is This a Midlife Crisis?
While some women my age might envision a youthful romantic partner, I find myself yearning for a cozy apartment in New York’s East Village, where I could immerse myself in silence and creativity. I imagine walking barefoot on my hardwood floors, pacing to inspire my next book or feature article. Friends would visit with inexpensive wine as we savor garlic-stuffed olives and engage in deep discussions about literature and social issues.
Nonetheless, this idealistic vision is fragile and unrealistic—who can afford an East Village apartment, let alone gourmet hummus? Moreover, years of freelance writing have taught me that even the most fulfilling work can come with its own set of stresses.
Perhaps my 20s weren’t wasted after all. I devoured books, scribbled countless words in inexpensive notebooks, and enrolled in every writing class I could afford, often in the homes of fellow aspiring writers. I volunteered to produce a literary radio show and organized a literary salon, inviting local authors to share their work. I nurtured a creative spirit, even if it didn’t lead to wealth or fame.
The reality is that most individuals I know, particularly those in their 40s, have not adhered to a straightforward path to career satisfaction. Growing up in Northern California, a region known for its “finding yourself” ethos through various New Age practices, I’ve followed my passion more than societal expectations. While this may not have positioned me as a media powerhouse, it has furnished me with a meaningful life.
If I had chosen a different path, I would not have my delightful 7-year-old son, who continually reveals the world’s intricacies to me—pointing out the delicate blossoms along our hiking paths and reminding me that “we are all made of the universe.” Nor would I have a supportive husband who has always encouraged my writing endeavors, even during times of financial instability and my low-residency MFA program in Vermont.
Had I pursued that alternative route in my 20s, I might find myself among countless others struggling to navigate the high costs of urban living, feeling trapped beneath one version of success while yearning for another, quieter life—one strikingly similar to the fulfilling existence I currently cherish: residing in my modest home in a charming town, surrounded by a close-knit community and enjoying the small successes I’ve achieved without exhausting myself.
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In summary, while my path may not have followed the conventional trajectory of success, it has led to a life filled with creativity, love, and personal fulfillment—elements that ultimately define my version of success.