I absolutely adore celebrating my birthday—it’s a day dedicated to me! What I enjoy even more are the gifts that come with it. My husband and friends are well aware of my particular tastes (okay, I’ll admit it, I can be a bit choosy), which is why they often request my wish list. While it may take away some of the surprise, it also spares me from having to fake excitement—like that time in middle school when my mom gifted me a neon green, purple, and black jacket that was so not my style (#neverforget).
This year, I’ve compiled a comprehensive list of fun items, whimsical ideas, and minor miracles that would bring me joy after I blow out those birthday candles (gluten-free Black Forest cake with real whipped cream, please).
- A reliable friend who can back up my phone weekly, so when I inevitably drop it in the toilet, I don’t get grilled by the young genius at the Apple Store about my backup habits.
- I’d appreciate it if my knees didn’t sound like an old battle when I crouch or climb stairs.
- Merging in traffic would be a lot easier without the neck gymnastics that leave me in need of a chiropractor.
- Zits—let’s just say, I’m done with those.
- When I say goodnight to my daughter and start to close her bedroom door, I wish she’d simply give me a thumbs-up and drift off to sleep.
- Self-cleaning pillowcases would be a dream! There’s nothing worse than flopping into bed and releasing a month’s worth of hair musk into the air.
- A B cup would be lovely—no surgeries or pregnancies required.
- Lipstick that stays put would be fantastic; I don’t need my chin looking like I’ve been in a clown fight.
- Zero-calorie cheese? I’d even risk a 2% chance of side effects.
- No more high school nightmares, please!
- Candles that make my apartment smell significantly cleaner would be amazing.
- A Roomba-like device that could quietly roam my house, picking up all the glitter and crumbs my daughter leaves behind would be a blessing.
- I’d like to get carded every time I buy alcohol, so I can do some internal fist-pumping while appearing annoyed.
- More reality shows featuring naked men tackling home repairs would be a hit.
- An alarm on my phone to alert me when a “teachable moment” is about to happen would be super helpful.
- More hugs, please! I love a good full-body contact hug—just don’t let go too soon.
- One hour in a bouncy castle all to myself, in case of any unfortunate accidents.
- A bubble bath without any surprise hairs floating around would be delightful.
- Two uninterrupted bathroom visits of up to 30 minutes each.
- An app to remind me of upcoming birthdays so I can always be that thoughtful friend.
- The superpower to cure all boo-boos with just a kiss.
- Three pairs of jeans that make me look fabulous, even during those popcorn-for-dinner weeks.
- The courage to answer unknown calls without hesitation.
- The ability to deliver the perfect comeback to rude comments would be life-changing.
- A signature scent so captivating that it stops people in their tracks and makes them want to kiss me right then and there.
- More than one glass of wine without the dreaded hangover the next day would be ideal.
- No gray hair anywhere—let’s keep that at bay.
- Cheese sticks that can be opened without requiring a degree in engineering would be great.
- A spontaneous weekend getaway with my husband, but please, no camping!
- Salted caramel everything would satisfy me.
- Skills to apply eyeliner without looking like a child did it would be a bonus.
- An Uber service for school drop-off and pick-up that accepts payment in unwrapped cheese sticks.
- Instagram should be inaccessible in the two hours before bedtime to prevent late-night scrolling.
- NO MORE DINNER PREPS! (Okay, I realize that might be a bigger ask than the B cup.)
- Microwave popcorn that doesn’t explode into 113 hot kernels with only 25 pieces of actual popcorn.
- Skin that can handle seasonal changes without becoming as dry as an old beach house.
- NO MORE CROW’S FEET.
- Lastly, I wish for all my loved ones to live forever—or at least longer than me—because the thought of losing them is too much to bear. (And yes, I get it, asking for breasts was a stretch!)
If it seems like a lot, it is. I’m approaching the halfway mark in life and I can’t afford to be coy about my desires or needs anymore. Flexibility is key, though; I’m okay if I only get one uninterrupted bathroom visit, as long as I can bring my phone, snacks, and a book—with no time limit.
As you get older, you learn to be specific about what brings you joy. For more musings on life and parenting, check out this insightful post here. Also, if you’re considering home insemination, a reputable option is available at this link. And for excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination, look no further than this site.
Summary:
This humorous birthday wish list details 38 unique and relatable desires for turning 38, blending personal anecdotes with whimsical requests. From practical wants like self-cleaning pillowcases to lighthearted wishes like a weekend getaway and zero-calorie cheese, it captures the essence of navigating life’s challenges with a dash of humor.
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