Parenting can often feel like a tightrope walk when it comes to the question of how much support we should give our children. Take, for instance, my friend Emma, a powerhouse who raised four daughters. She’s the type who never backs down from a challenge—whether it was playing three varsity sports in college despite injuries, studying hard to get into an Ivy League law school, or even taking the bar exam while in labor. Emma’s philosophy is simple: pain is just a hurdle to overcome.
During playdates at the park, I’ve witnessed her daughters endure some pretty gnarly falls—the kind that would have me rushing to assess injuries. Yet, Emma stands tall with her arms crossed, reminding her kids, “You’re fine. Just shake it off.” And off they go, back into the chaos, while my own boys, on the other hand, tend to be a bit more sensitive.
With two boys, I find myself constantly soothing tears, whether it’s from minor scrapes or the inexplicable sadness over having sand on their hands. I often try to differentiate between “valid” reasons for crying, like an injury, and “invalid” ones, like the presence of too much avocado on their plate. I’m okay with a brief cuddle after a tumble, but I draw the line at tears over a twisted sweater.
By many standards, Emma’s daughters are “tougher” than my sons. They rarely shed a tear. In fact, when it came time for preschool drop-off, while other parents stayed to comfort their kids, Emma simply removed her daughter’s coat, gave her a kiss, and left without a fuss. Her daughter played alone without shedding a single tear, while other children took days to adjust.
The question of whether to “coddle” our kids is a constant balancing act. A recent article in The New York Times titled “Dear Parent, If Your Child Left It At Home, Don’t Bring It In” highlights how some schools are discouraging parents from rescuing their children when they forget important items. The idea is that if a child forgets their homework, they should face the consequences to encourage responsibility. This approach worked for one child, who ended up creating a checklist for his morning routine.
However, this perspective often overlooks the fact that different children require varying levels of support. Our society tends to value independence from a young age, and the media often emphasizes “helicopter parenting” far more than the needs of families who truly require additional assistance.
As Catherine Newman pointed out, fostering a sense of “interdependence” is a value I aspire to instill in my kids. She reflects on a time she spilled flour and her son rushed in to help instead of chastising her with, “Maybe next time you’ll be more careful.”
Certainly, part of our role as parents is to encourage self-sufficiency and responsibility in our children, but I wonder if there are gentler methods for doing so. Instead of shunning comfort when a child is hurt or neglecting to help a child who has forgotten their project, we could offer support while still guiding them toward independence. I worry that if we deny help, we might inadvertently dull their empathy towards others who are struggling.
Emma and I graduated from a highly competitive high school and attended similarly rigorous colleges. For me, it was a relief to break free from that environment and adopt a more relaxed lifestyle. Emma, however, has embraced the high-achieving, no-pain-no-gain mindset and plans to instill those values in her daughters. My boys, on the other hand, will be more, let’s say, nurtured. There are many paths to success and happiness, and I believe in teaching my boys to offer support and comfort instead of brushing aside their—or anyone else’s—pain.
In conclusion, as parents, we must find our own balance between fostering resilience and providing support. It’s important to remember that each child is different, and while some may thrive with a tough-love approach, others may need a little more coddling to grow into empathetic, well-rounded individuals. For more insight on parenting and family dynamics, check out this post on interdependence in parenting. And if you are considering starting a family, this fertility booster for men is a reputable option for at-home insemination kits. For additional information on genetics and family planning, refer to the Genetics and IVF Institute.
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