Menu
Parenting
Yes, I Have a Few Small Children… Interested in One?
by Emily Carter
Updated: Aug. 20, 2023
Originally Published: Feb. 14, 2023
Dear friends and curious onlookers,
I can sense your discomfort regarding the number of small children in my company. (Or perhaps it’s just the one who’s dressed in mittens and an oversized shirt?) While I only have three, I understand that they may seem like a handful, perhaps even bordering on chaotic to an innocent observer like you. Allow me to briefly address your concerns about the amiable chaos that is my lively family.
No, I’m not an expert on the intricacies of reproduction! I also don’t fully grasp the mechanics of birth control (do I really need to take it daily, or can I just sprinkle it like fairy dust and wish for the best?). I would genuinely appreciate your insights on the subject. Please, share your wisdom! Include as much detail as possible and feel free to express your political views so I know how to align my votes. If you could also sketch a diagram of female anatomy, it might help me understand what I’m missing and where all these little ones are coming from. Sadly, I can’t just call the Vatican for advice—I don’t speak Italian.
You mentioned that the optimal number of children is one less than what I currently have? Thank you for your input—here, take the middle one!
Yes, my hands are quite full. SO. FULL. It’s likely due to my petite hands. Your hands, on the other hand, appear to be rather free—dare I say, idling. So, when you point out my full hands, it sounds like you’re offering assistance. Feel free to handle my grocery shopping and swing by around 7 PM to babysit while I enjoy a date with my partner. Don’t worry—you can share your tips on avoiding additional children after the date.
I can already hear your thoughts: “This woman needs some parenting advice!” I appreciate your succinct recommendation to offer my crying child a pretzel or perhaps my car keys. How could I have overlooked that?
While you’re here, would you mind taking on the disciplinary role for my children? Clearly, I’ve got more on my plate than I can manage, and it would be immensely helpful to hear your retrospective insights on how you successfully guided your kids in the 1970s. Could you also explain to my two-year-old that her emotional outbursts are disrupting the day of a perfect stranger? Because you’re right; nobody enjoys a crying child.
Are we finished expanding our family yet? I’ll leave that choice up to you!
How will I manage to fund their college education? In a van! Just a bit of humor to lighten the mood while discussing my financial situation. But in all seriousness, I did bring my bank statements along for a reason.
Who are these Duggars you keep referencing? Please enlighten me.
You’re puzzled by how I manage it all? Here’s a hint: it involves a dungeon and a third nipple.
I appreciate our conversation. I hope you now feel more at ease around me and my delightful—albeit chaotic—family. At the end of the day, a mother’s happiness is often linked to the mood of the strangers she encounters at the Post Office.
For more information on home insemination, consider checking this excellent resource. You can also learn more about how to manage your family size with insights from Make a Mom. And for privacy concerns, refer to our privacy policy.
Summary:
Navigating the complexities of parenting while managing multiple young children can be overwhelming. This article humorously addresses the misconceptions and unsolicited advice often encountered by parents, while also acknowledging the joys and challenges of raising a family. It encourages open conversations about parenting and provides links to resources for individuals considering home insemination.