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Parenting
Seeing Myself Through Their Eyes
by Layla Johnson
Updated: Aug. 22, 2023
Originally Published: May 1, 2021
Today, I found myself wishing for a unique experience—an opportunity to see myself as others do, even if just for a day. My partner often tells me I’m a fantastic partner and parent, yet all I perceive is the disarray surrounding me. Friends describe me as empathetic and supportive, but I yearn to do even more for them. My children view me as entertaining, but I often see them dashing to their father as soon as he walks through the door.
I am far from perfect. In fact, I feel like I’m miles away from it, and that thought weighs heavily on me. I struggle with my appearance daily; I often feel disheveled. My face rarely sees makeup, and I find myself in the same clothes day after day. The jeans that used to fit well now sag embarrassingly, highlighting my lack of fitness. My handbag is cluttered with items I don’t need, and my planner is filled with forgotten tasks. With my attention spread across countless responsibilities, I frequently feel like nothing gets accomplished because I’m unsure of where to begin. And let’s not even discuss my hair—it seems to have a mind of its own, and I color it in shades of purple just to give the impression that this chaos is intentional. To top it all off, I live with lupus, a chronic illness that complicates everything, turning my life into what feels like an unmanageable mess.
I’ve reached a point where I no longer pretend to be perfect. I don’t bother dressing up or wearing makeup; instead, I openly acknowledge my imperfections with phrases like, “Of course, I don’t have it together!” or “I’m just grateful my kids are fed and we’re nearly on time today.” My daily existence often feels like a never-ending loop of tripping over a crack in the pavement, where instead of gracefully recovering, I exaggeratedly stumble as if I were attempting to jog forward.
This constant struggle has taken a toll on my self-esteem. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we focus solely on our shortcomings instead of celebrating our strengths? Why are we always striving for more and better, unable to embrace our flaws as integral parts of who we are?
I’ve been this way since childhood—always wanting to excel in everything. I long to be the best, the prettiest, the smartest, the healthiest. Instead, I find myself devastated by the thought of merely coming in second. I fixate on every imperfection, every flaw, and I resent my limitations.
Despite battling self-doubt, I hear my loved ones affirming me: “You’re amazing!” “You’re intelligent!” “You’re beautiful!” And yet, I struggle to accept their words as truth.
For just one day, I wish to embrace their affirmations fully. I want to walk past a mirror and genuinely think, “You’re beautiful.” I want to engage in conversations feeling confident and capable. I desire to perform meaningful acts that uplift others so they don’t endure their struggles alone. I yearn for a day where, after a challenging time with my children, I won’t lie in bed thinking, “Tomorrow, I’ll do better.” When my partner tells me I’m beautiful, I hope to believe him without doubting his sincerity. I wish to accept my children’s praise of me as “the best mom ever” for merely making a grilled cheese sandwich, rather than dwelling on my perceived failures.
For one day, I simply want to see myself through their eyes—imperfectly perfect and wonderful just as I am. Perhaps tomorrow will be that day.
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Summary:
The author reflects on their desire to see themselves through the eyes of loved ones, grappling with self-doubt and the pressures of perfectionism. They express a longing to embrace their imperfections and feel validated in their roles as a partner and parent while highlighting the importance of self-acceptance and acknowledging support from others.