Updated: Sep. 14, 2023
Originally Published: Feb. 21, 2014
My daughter is currently in seventh grade at a small private school where she has known many of her classmates since kindergarten—some even since preschool. While overt bullying is relatively rare, the subtlety of teasing and undermining behavior is concerning.
At the start of the school year, my daughter began sharing tales of disparaging comments circulating in her class, particularly among the girls. These remarks often include statements like:
- “Why did you choose to wear those leggings?”
- “What’s going on with your hair? Just, no.”
- “What is that smell? Do you even use deodorant? Gross.”
Such comments, delivered in a mocking tone, are often made within earshot of others—in the classroom before class begins, in hallways during transitions, or in small lunchtime gatherings. While it’s painful enough to witness public ridicule regarding personal choices or hygiene, what truly saddens me is that my daughter, who has occasionally been at the receiving end of these thoughtless words, considers some of the individuals making these remarks her friends. This leads me to question: do our daughters truly grasp the essence of friendship?
Reflecting on my daughter’s early years, I recall supervising her playdates with other little girls. When disputes arose over toy sharing, I intervened to help them take turns. If someone said something unkind, we discussed how words could hurt feelings and how to express oneself more kindly. We practiced sharing and engaged in screen-free fun. After just a couple of hours and a bowl of Goldfish, the girls would part ways with smiles and hugs. It was simple and heartfelt.
Fast forward to today, and my daughter no longer has playdates; instead, she hangs out with friends at local cafes or retreats to her bedroom, engaging in quiet conversations filled with whispers and laughter. Their lives are shared through platforms like Instagram and Snapchat, often using a lexicon of emoticons and acronyms. As a parent, I find myself on the sidelines—available but rarely consulted. The chance to guide her through the complexities of relationships feels increasingly limited, yet this is a critical time for her development.
Middle school is a period of significant transformation and heightened expectations for our daughters. They navigate breakouts, physical changes, crushes, school events, and the omnipresent fear of being left out. Coupled with more rigorous academic demands and extracurricular activities, it’s a lot for them to manage. At home, my daughter receives love, support, and structure, yet I recognize her growing reliance on peers to shape her identity.
The troubling lack of empathy I hear about among the girls in her class makes it clear that we need to re-engage in their social dynamics—even if it feels uncomfortable. Teaching our daughters to avoid bullying and to speak out when witnessing unkindness is just the starting point; we must also instill the importance of uplifting one another. A true friend offers encouragement rather than succumbing to jealousy. She should celebrate your victories rather than undermine them. Instead of publicly shaming someone, a true friend would privately address any issues. They should inspire each other and embrace differences, fostering a culture of creativity and acceptance.
While such behaviors may be typical for their age, it does not render them acceptable. I recognize that my daughter, like any young person, may have spoken thoughtlessly at times. I don’t expect her to get along with everyone. However, I emphasize that she should never engage in unkind behavior. If she cannot find kind words, sometimes silence is the best option. My hope is that she learns to be an exemplary friend, to recognize genuine friendships, and to step back from relationships that diminish her self-esteem.
Girls do not need to belittle one another—there are plenty of others who will do that for them. Instead, I want to inspire my daughter and her peers to be each other’s strongest supporters, to appreciate the beauty and strength of friendship, and to prioritize compassion.
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In summary, it’s essential to help our daughters understand the significance of friendship, compassion, and support in their relationships. By teaching them to uplift and encourage one another, we can foster a generation that values kindness above all.