Addressing personal challenges often requires professional help, but since I currently lack a therapist, I’m sharing my thoughts here.
The Weight of Parenting
Parenting can be incredibly taxing, and the past six months of my life have been particularly difficult. It might not be typical to feel an overwhelming urge to cry whenever someone casually inquires, “How are you?” Yet, this has been my reality for quite some time.
The Highs and Lows of My Writing Journey
After my first book launch, I experienced an exhilarating rush that came with publishing. Sure, there were setbacks—like the time only one person showed up to a reading—but the highs, such as making the New York Times list, going on a book tour, and selling foreign rights, far outweighed those lows. I became hooked on that thrill.
However, that excitement came to an abrupt halt. During the summer, I expressed my boredom to my agent, lamenting the lack of interviews, speaking engagements, and readings. I craved the adrenaline of that roller coaster ride I had grown accustomed to. Her response? Write another book. So I did.
Facing Unforeseen Challenges
Once the writing was complete, I eagerly anticipated the release. As a second-time author, I was prepared for an even more successful journey. Yet, the highs I longed for never materialized. My second book was met with a series of unfortunate events. Just before its release, I learned that due to a dispute with my publisher, a major retailer would remove all my books from their shelves—no in-store or online promotions, and no book tour. I was instructed to remain silent about the situation, so I did my best to comply and focus on Amazon sales.
The initial sales were disappointing, and things only worsened from there. It could have been the timing with other similar books, or perhaps the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombings. Regardless, while my first book sold well enough to warrant a sequel, it became apparent that the second book might not lead to a third. I felt blindsided, as if I had been hit by a train after expecting a thrilling ride.
Continued Setbacks and the Pressure to Maintain a Facade
The setbacks continued. A promising segment we filmed for a well-known show was scrapped for being too positive, and the media coverage I was promised failed to materialize. Books were missing from events where I had a ready audience, preventing me from selling anything. I tried to maintain a sense of humor, but without any highs to counter the lows, my second book felt like a complete failure.
I was constantly advised against discussing the negative aspects of my experience, reinforcing the idea that a facade of success would lead to actual success. I kept quiet, hoping the situation would improve, but with each passing week, a piece of my self-worth diminished. This blog, which has always been my space for honesty, became a platform where I felt compelled to mask my true feelings. I shifted to writing lighter content, unable to explore the deeper emotions tied to my disappointments. As a result, I gradually withdrew, adding more contributors to fill the void I felt unable to occupy.
Reclaiming My Voice
I take pride in how community-driven this space has become. There are many topics I can no longer discuss—such as pregnancy, which feels like a distant memory, and my children, who are at a stage where I prefer to protect their privacy. I appreciate the diverse perspectives other women contribute, yet I miss having a voice here and began to resent the very platform I created.
This may come off as trivial or self-indulgent; perhaps some readers will dismiss it as merely the complaints of someone who is undeserving of sympathy. After all, I’ve been fortunate to publish two books, and things could definitely be worse. However, the past six months have taken a toll on me, filled with the necessity of maintaining a facade while adhering to advice that felt disingenuous.
Now, I’m ready to emerge from this self-imposed exile. I want to reclaim the pride I once felt, rather than being crushed by disappointment. I aspire to write openly again, free from the weight of insecurity that has led me to delete my thoughts before sharing them. I seek inspiration, positivity, and the courage to be honest about my experiences.
Moving Forward
Ultimately, I’m here to share the truth of my journey, and I’m ready to move forward.
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In summary, I’ve shared my struggles over the past six months, including the challenges faced with my second book and the feelings of inadequacy that have surfaced. I aim to reclaim my voice and find joy in writing once again.