I still vividly remember the first day I returned to work after welcoming my first daughter into the world. It was precisely six weeks and four days post-birth. My husband kindly offered to take her to the sitter’s house, as I was unsure I could handle it myself. After spending what felt like an eternity kissing and caressing her face in the car, I finally shut the door. My husband glanced back at me through his open window, concern etched on his face. “You OK?” he asked.
I nodded, but as he drove away, I remained frozen on the street, reminiscent of a scene from a movie. I wanted to scream for them to come back—my heart ached for my baby, and my feet longed to chase after them. Instead, I stood there, my shoulders shaking with tears. I promised myself that I would never be apart from my baby again if I could help it.
Fast forward nearly 12 years, and while that initial feeling of separation hasn’t completely faded, I’ve learned to navigate it. My husband and I have carved out time for occasional overnight getaways, which, while strangely quiet, have been refreshing. We enjoy dinners at places without crayons or paper tablecloths and find joy in uninterrupted conversations. These moments help us reconnect as the couple we were before parenthood, and by the time we pick up our daughters, we feel rejuvenated.
A few years ago, I planned to attend a writing conference, but my daughters were less than thrilled. Clinging to my legs with tear-filled eyes, they seemed so small as I prepared to leave. I hesitated, biting my lip as I met their somber gazes. After what felt like an eternity, my husband finally nudged me out the door. The drive to the train station was filled with an emotional struggle, and the four-hour journey to New York City involved me battling back tears. It felt unnatural to be away from my kids, and part of me wished I could wear a badge that read “I have three kids!” I worried that anyone who knew I was traveling without them would judge me as a bad mom.
In the hotel, I felt their absence like a phantom limb. I half-expected to see them in the mirror with me. Although I successfully made it through the blog conference, I didn’t leave town again for an entire year.
Recently, after spending a week together during spring break, I flew to another conference in California while my husband took the girls back to New York. They understood I was nominated for an award and were excited to support me. My eldest even allowed me to borrow her silver purse to carry, saying, “So you’ll think of me and have me with you.”
This trip felt different. I was eager to connect with new friends and experience the thrill of dressing up for the awards ceremony. I took my time after my shower to enjoy the complimentary hotel lotion and woke up early to run without worrying about waking anyone. I missed my kids, but there was something liberating about being alone for once.
After 12 years of motherhood, I’ve come to realize that I genuinely need this time away. I want to set a positive example for my daughters. If I don’t prioritize self-care and show them that life extends beyond family obligations, what kind of role model would I be?
Yes, I still feel that pull to be home—it’s a constant. But I’m grateful I seized the opportunity to spend two nights in California soaking in the wisdom of fellow writers. Will that deep ache of missing them ever go away? Probably not. Experiencing the longing for my children is a testament to the love I hold for them.
Ultimately, these little journeys are practice runs for the day when it will be my children leaving, not me. As we embark on these mini-adventures, we learn the importance of returning home, sharing stories, and expressing love, thus reinforcing our bonds.
For more insights on navigating motherhood, check out this post on Modern Family Blog. And if you’re considering starting your own family journey, you might want to explore reputable options for at-home insemination kits, like those from Make A Mom. Additionally, for those looking into fertility treatments, the NHS offers excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
This reflective piece explores the emotional journey of a mother learning to embrace moments away from her children, highlighting the importance of self-care and the need for personal space in the life of a parent.
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