Amidst the swirling chaos of costumes—soldiers, firefighters, and princesses—I find myself pressing my face against the cold surface of a desk, gasping for breath. My vision blurs as I clutch the fabric of my Cinderella dress, squeezing my eyes shut in search of comfort from the overwhelming anxiety coursing through my veins. I feel trapped, unable to flee or fight my way out of this panic.
My closest friend, also dressed as Cinderella, tugs at my costume urgently. “The Halloween parade is starting. Get up!” she insists. With effort, I pull myself from the desk, dizzy and aware of his presence in the crowd. The fear of being taken away grips me.
My biological father was not a safe figure in my life. Whenever I was with him, I felt immense danger.
As the parade begins, I spot him in the crowd, and a wave of nausea washes over me. My heart races, and I desperately search for my mother, my lifeline. She recognizes my distress immediately, pulling me aside and guiding me into a friend’s home. There, she comforts me as I struggle to expel the fear that has taken root in my stomach.
At just eight years old, this incident was far from my first panic attack. Throughout my childhood, I battled extreme separation anxiety from my mother and various stomach issues. My mother’s unwavering love led her to seek help from pediatricians, gastroenterologists, and a child psychologist. Yet, I understood the impact of my anxiety on those I loved and chose to endure it silently rather than seek help.
Anxiety has shadowed me during significant life events, from college to my early teaching years, and especially in the aftermath of each of my children’s births.
After the birth of my third child, I awoke at 3 a.m. with my heart racing and thoughts spiraling out of control. This was a clear signal that I needed help. I quickly scheduled an appointment with a therapist specializing in postpartum depression and anxiety, hoping to find relief from irrational fears that plagued me—fears of my home burning down with my children inside, or losing them in an accident.
Therapy provided support, but it was medication that truly helped me. I clung to the hope that my children would be shielded from the anxiety that had haunted me. If they couldn’t perceive my struggles, perhaps they wouldn’t inherit them.
One day, while singing our favorite Christmas song, my daughter, Emily, innocently questioned, “Why are they dreaming by the fire, Mommy? They should go to bed. It’s not safe by the fire.” Her innocent concern struck me as humorous until a friend pointed out, “Just like mother, like daughter.”
This simple comment sent chills through me. What I had viewed as a whimsical thought was a sign that my anxieties might already be affecting her. I began to notice her worries, like when she cried over the Beast’s supposed death in a movie, or when my son, Jake, panicked over losing a math assignment, fearing punishment at school.
Seeing my children react so intensely to relatively minor issues made me realize the influence my anxiety had on them, both through genetics and my behavior. I had to take action to reverse this cycle of fear.
To help them, I strive to teach them how to identify their physical responses to stress. We engage in conversations, write down our worries, and draw them out. We reason through our fears, and I encourage visualization and breathing techniques to release those we cannot control. I believe that I can manage my anxiety and, more importantly, model healthier coping strategies for my children, providing them with a childhood that is far more secure than my own.
By focusing on positivity and resilience, I hope to equip them with the tools needed to navigate life’s uncertainties, breaking the cycle of anxiety that has lingered in our family.
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Summary:
In this reflective piece, Jenna Thompson shares her struggles with anxiety, particularly how it has influenced her relationship with her children. She discusses the importance of recognizing and addressing anxiety, not just for oneself but also for the next generation. By sharing coping strategies and encouraging open discussions about fears, Jenna aims to break the cycle of anxiety and provide her children with a healthier foundation.