As a mother of three, I have never experienced the joy of a baby shower. My eldest daughter was born in 1992, while my two sons were adopted from China in 2012 and 2013 when they were two and three years old. With a twenty-two-year-old daughter and two preschoolers, my life is undeniably loud and somewhat chaotic. (Trust me, I’m well aware of the age gap between my oldest and youngest, and yes, I know my hands are full.)
During my pregnancy with my daughter, medical complications prevented me from enjoying the customary celebrations. While I received gifts and cards, I felt a sense of disappointment for not having the chance to experience the much-coveted “diaper cake”—you know, the one artfully crafted from diapers and baby washcloths. I often envy those who can effortlessly create such things. There were no “oohs” and “aahhs” as I opened pink-ribboned gifts, no festive sherbet punch made in my honor, and I missed out on the beloved diaper pin game where guests try to avoid saying the word “baby.”
When we welcomed our boys home, we lacked the typical fanfare associated with a new arrival. The number of gifts and cards received could be counted on both hands. This wasn’t due to a lack of friends or support; rather, it stemmed from the perception that adoption is treated differently, especially when it involves older children.
When a woman is expecting, we often go out of our way to show our support. We ask how she’s feeling and shower her with compliments about her glowing appearance. Upon the arrival of the baby, families receive flowers, balloons, and an abundance of gifts, along with meals to ease the burden of new parenthood.
Adoption, however, tends to be viewed through a different lens. It’s not typically seen as a cause for celebration. The diaper pin game may not resonate with everyone, but why aren’t we hosting adoption showers more frequently? For an adoptive mother-to-be, the child she is bringing into her family is the most significant part of her journey. She may not have swollen ankles, but she is filled with excitement, anxiety, and a whirlwind of emotions. There’s a mountain of tasks to complete before the big day, and she is likely concerned about being a good mom while balancing the needs of her new child and her existing family dynamics.
Shortly after our first son arrived from China, a neighbor asked me to help organize meals for another new mother. This request felt completely out of place since we had received no meals when we brought our son home just the week prior. Our two-year-old was still adjusting to his new life and didn’t quite understand who I was; he certainly didn’t appreciate the significance of mac and cheese. Our transition was challenging, and asking me to assist another new mom while neglecting my own experience felt like a misstep.
One month after our second adoption, my coworkers held an extravagant baby shower for three of their colleagues. My “new baby” was already three years old, and while I understood the differences, it would have been meaningful to be acknowledged as well. I attempted to attend the shower but left after only five minutes, overwhelmed by the emotional weight of the moment. My colleagues were surprised and apologetic, unaware that I felt excluded as a new mom. It was an awkward situation.
These unintentional oversights can be painful. It’s not solely about receiving gifts or cake (although I do love cake); it’s about recognizing a significant milestone and celebrating the formation of families. I still feel pangs of envy and sadness when I receive invitations to baby showers. If my friends had known how much a celebration meant to me, things might have unfolded differently. I’ve worked hard to come to terms with my feelings and move forward.
As we celebrate friends who announce their adoptions, let’s remember that adoption is a deliberate process. The extent of paperwork involved can be daunting, and the emotional toll is significant. Adoption is a profound milestone deserving of acknowledgment. When speaking with an adoptive mother, ask how things are progressing but avoid questions that may seem dismissive, such as “Do you know what you’re getting into?” Instead, approach her experience with sensitivity and thoughtfulness.
Adoption is often accompanied by its own set of challenges and triumphs, and a child joining a loving family is certainly cause for celebration. So, let’s consider organizing a gathering, even if the child isn’t a newborn. A child entering a loving home forever is worth some cake and perhaps even a balloon or two. The diaper pin game can be optional.
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In summary, let’s not overlook the importance of celebrating adoption and the mothers who embark on this journey. They deserve recognition and support just as much as any expectant mother.