Every day, I find myself questioning my abilities as a father. I take comfort in the fact that my child seems to enjoy my company most days, and my partner hasn’t walked out the door yet. However, it may take another two decades to truly assess whether I’ve done a commendable job. By conventional standards, I surpass the shockingly low expectations placed on fathers—I have a steady job, return home straight after work, rarely drink, and never excessively. I cook, assist with household chores, and am responsible for dropping off and picking up my daughter from preschool when it’s my turn. I also help with packing lunches, dressing her in the morning, putting her pajamas on at night, and managing her bath and bedtime routines.
Yet, I’m still uncertain if any of this qualifies me as a good father. Reflecting on whether I’m genuinely sharing the daily parenting responsibilities is crucial, but it intertwines with my role as a supportive partner to my spouse. Unfortunately, the questions I grapple with often venture beyond simple tasks like lunch packing, leaning instead toward more profound existential queries that lack clear answers.
1. Am I truly present for my daughter?
I don’t mean she should always be the center of my universe; I believe she needs to learn independence while I attend to other responsibilities. The real question is whether I’m genuinely engaging with her. I often find myself distracted by my tablet, laptop, or smartphone, which prevents me from spending meaningful time with her. I catch myself saying, “just five more minutes!” to finish some trivial task, or mindlessly checking my phone while we’re supposed to be together.
Part of the challenge is my struggle to play with her. She has a short attention span and often finds more joy in scattering Legos than completing a build. I keep promising myself I’ll engage more when she’s older and can appreciate more complex games, but that’s not a valid excuse for not participating now, especially when she eagerly seeks my involvement. I want her to know that I find her interesting and fun, and that I respect her opinions. I don’t want her to believe it’s normal to be ignored by those closest to her. It’s tough in our smartphone-obsessed culture, but I can’t simply blame technology; past generations had their own distractions. If I can show her that she matters more than my devices or hobbies, maybe she’ll learn to value those around her too.
2. Am I overly fixated on my own schedule?
I have work commitments, dinners to prepare, lunches to pack, and toys to tidy up. I also have limited evening time to unwind with my partner or indulge in gaming. Consequently, I can become irritable when my routine is disrupted by issues like a refusal to wear pants or unexpected meltdowns. I’ve learned that insisting she “hurry up” only causes delays, creating a frustrating cycle for both of us. I recognize the necessity of allowing extra time for potential tantrums, but that’s not always feasible. What I need is to adopt a more relaxed attitude. I must remind myself that she’s only three and a half years old and to not take her resistance to my schedule personally. Keeping our routines enjoyable will benefit us both.
3. Am I modeling good behavior?
My father often said, “Do as I say, not as I do,” and I find myself tempted to echo this sentiment with my daughter. It was amusing when, at 18 months, she repeated a curse word I inadvertently taught her. Now, it’s less entertaining when she expresses frustration with her toys in a similar manner. She may ignore my lessons, but she absorbs my actions like a sponge. I need to re-evaluate everything—from my language to my habits and dietary choices. Otherwise, I risk preparing for the moment when she says, “I learned it by watching you, Dad!”
4. Am I exercising enough patience?
Patience is the most challenging quality for me as a parent. It’s perplexing how someone so small can provoke such intense frustration within me. My daughter can easily lead me into a battle of wills over inconsequential issues, like insisting she eat a few more bites of her meal before dessert. My wife and I have chosen to raise her without corporal punishment, yet I often find myself questioning my commitment to this decision. Though I recall the discipline I faced as a child, I want to teach my daughter respect and responsibility without instilling fear. Situations arise where I consider resorting to spanking, but my wife and I are dedicated to practicing patience, so I take deep breaths… and try again.
5. Am I allowing her to be her own person?
So far, I’ve managed to provide her space to explore her interests, but I know this will become more challenging as she grows. I envision her excelling in basketball or other sports, but I must also be open to her discovering her own passions. I want to support her in whatever interests she pursues, whether it’s soccer or something entirely different. The balance between encouraging her pursuits and allowing her personal exploration will be delicate. Ultimately, I hope to foster a relationship where she knows my love and pride in her choices, regardless of whether they align with my dreams.
6. Am I dismissing external judgments?
This is particularly difficult for me. I spent years silently judging other parents, especially those whose children disrupted public spaces. Now, I find myself worrying about how others perceive my parenting when out with my daughter. I strive to teach her gratitude, emphasizing the importance of saying “please” and “thank you.” Yet, I often grapple with my motivations for correcting her every time she forgets, realizing that my anxieties about others’ opinions may overshadow my parenting approach.
In summary, contemplating my role as a father is a complex journey filled with questions that often lack straightforward answers. From being present for my daughter to modeling good behavior and allowing her independence, the path of parenthood is fraught with challenges. It’s a balance of patience, self-reflection, and understanding that I must navigate every day.
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