By: Emily Carter
Updated: Feb. 8, 2023
Originally Published: Feb. 8, 2023
I anticipated that pregnancy would transform my body in ways I couldn’t fully grasp. After all, nurturing a little human is no small feat, and it’s only natural for your body to experience a bit of chaos along the way. However, what truly caught me off guard were the bizarre changes that emerged after giving birth. Here’s a glimpse into the strange reality of postpartum life:
The Infamous FUPA
FUPA, or “fat upper pubic area,” is that stubborn leftover from pregnancy that seems to linger long after the baby arrives. Whether you call it a “pooch” or a “muffin top,” this unwelcome addition often feels like a flesh fanny pack that just doesn’t want to leave the party. It’s no wonder that Spanx became a billion-dollar industry catering to those of us dealing with this situation.
The Vanishing Rear
Before motherhood, I never thought of myself as someone who carried extra weight in my backside. Then, after having kids, I found that my derriere had expanded significantly—until one day it just… disappeared. What’s left now is a loose flap of skin at the bottom, which I can only describe as my butt now having its own butt.
Teenage Boy Acne
Seriously, what gives? Who thought I’d be dealing with both wrinkles and acne? It’s like my skin regressed to my teenage years, reintroducing breakouts just when I thought I was done with that phase of life.
Mystery Hair Growth
As if I wasn’t busy enough managing my usual beauty routine, I now have to navigate unexpected hair growth in the most random places. A little geography helps me keep track: two wild hairs in the north (hello, chin), one in the east (shoulder), a couple in the midwest (nips), and let’s just not even discuss what’s happening down south.
Catastrophic Periods
Every month feels like an apocalyptic event—seriously, it’s intense. You think you’re prepared, but nothing can quite brace you for the onslaught.
Reverse Metabolism
Remember when you could maintain your weight by simply eating moderately and exercising? Now, after two kids, I have to work out just to avoid gaining weight. And if I even think about indulging in a chocolate muffin, my body seems to store it as back fat.
A Bladder on High Alert
I took my normal bladder function for granted. I used to enjoy movies without interruptions, but now I find myself making at least two trips to the restroom during a film. And forget about laughing, sneezing, or coughing. That’s a recipe for disaster.
Boobs in a Rivalry
What I once thought were two equal companions have transformed into foes. My breasts now act like sisters who’ve had a falling out—one prefers to sulk under my arm while the other seems to be making a beeline toward my belly button. Talk about sibling rivalry!
To all the expectant mothers out there feeling overwhelmed by the changes to your body, I get it. It can be tough. But trust me—once you’ve given birth, things can get even weirder. Honestly, I’d take a full pregnant belly over my current sad, saggy FUPA any day.
For more on navigating these challenges, check out our other insightful post here. And if you’re considering options for starting a family, this resource offers invaluable information. Plus, if you’re interested in at-home insemination kits, visit Make a Mom for a variety of options.
In summary, postpartum life is filled with unexpected surprises, and while it can be overwhelming, embracing these changes is part of the journey. Just remember, you’re not alone in this wild adventure.