In the realm of parenting, questions often arise that can be both simple and complex. A child might innocently inquire, “Who is her real mom?” to which the answer might be, “Both of us.” However, the curiosity often persists: “But who is the REAL mom, the one who carried her in her belly?”
Children have a unique perspective, where “real” doesn’t equate to “fake.” For adults, the distinction can be more layered and occasionally painful, especially when it comes to explaining family dynamics. As a parent, I often find myself grappling with the need to defend our family structure against misunderstandings.
Growing up, I never envisioned a life without motherhood. I cherished my dolls, nurturing them with care—homeschooling them, playing doctor, and creating countless memories. One particular doll, named Clara, arrived on my birthday, and the whole neighborhood shared in my anticipation as we awaited her delivery. Wrapped in protective packaging, Clara was a handmade treasure that I fondly cared for, demonstrating my early yearning for the role of a mother.
Fast forward to a pivotal morning, twelve days post-insemination, and I found myself taking another pregnancy test. After multiple attempts, doubts crept in, but the test result was positive. My heart raced as I rushed to share the news with my partner, Jenna, who was still in bed. The joy we felt was overwhelming—our dream of becoming parents was finally within reach.
Before I entered her life, Jenna had never envisioned motherhood as a possibility. She believed many opportunities, including parenting, were lost when one comes out, alongside the hopes of marriage and shared benefits. However, our love defied those limitations. We married shortly after the legalization of same-sex marriage in our state, and five years later, we celebrated our anniversary on a beach, cradling our daughter while shielding her from the sun.
As our family grew, Jenna and I took on our respective roles. I breastfed while she managed diaper changes. Each of us balanced home and work commitments to delay the need for daycare as long as possible. Our daughter’s first words—“book” and “Mama”—were milestones that filled our hearts with pride. Eventually, she decided to call me “Mommy,” establishing our family of three: Mommy, Mama, and Clara.
Now, as Clara navigates her early childhood, she confidently asserts that we are both her real moms, rolling her eyes at the question. At five, she has mastered the art of the eye roll, and while she prefers Jenna for bath time, she enjoys my car rides for the better snacks and shared notebooks.
The early days of pregnancy and breastfeeding are behind us, replaced by the daily routines of school drop-offs, hair brushing, and dinner preparations. Clara understands her origins, the role of the donor, and the lengths we went to bring her into our lives. She knows how deeply both her Mommy and Mama love her.
Ultimately, the question of “Who is the real mom?” is best answered with the acknowledgment that we both are, every day, in every moment.
For further reading on home insemination and related topics, you can explore this blog post or learn more about the products offered by Make a Mom. Additionally, American Pregnancy provides excellent information regarding donor insemination.
In summary, the concept of who the “real” mom is transcends biological definitions. In loving families, all contributions to parenting are valued equally, creating a rich tapestry of love and nurturing.