In today’s fast-paced world, many parents are exploring the option of outsourcing some of the more demanding and time-consuming aspects of parenthood. The idea of hiring professionals for tasks like potty training or resolving thumb-sucking habits may seem unconventional, but it got me thinking about which parental duties I would gladly delegate if given the opportunity. Here are the top contenders:
- Shoe Tying: This task may appear simple, but it’s anything but. The classic methods like the “bunny ears” technique often lead to frustration, as children repeatedly struggle to master the skill. Despite my efforts, including purchasing a practice board with real laces, I found it unhelpful. Those cardboard cutouts just can’t replicate the real experience—especially without a patient’s smiley mom to guide them. And forget about convincing them that velcro shoes are trendy; by middle school, kids will see through that ruse.
- Bike Riding: It was quite the revelation to discover that teaching a 5-year-old to ride a bike requires peak physical fitness. As a seasoned runner, nothing could prepare me for the physical exertion of balancing a 40-pound child on a 25-pound bike while jogging beside them and offering encouragement through their tears of frustration. When someone boasts about completing a triathlon, I simply respond, “Oh, really? I taught two kids to ride bikes,” and watch them back down.
- Sex Education: Often, this topic ends up being outsourced to fellow 5th graders on the bus. Recently, my 4th grader informed me that she received a thorough education from a group of neighborhood boys. Initially horrified, I quickly recognized that I might need to review the basics myself to ensure they had accurate information. While most facts were correct, they clearly misrepresented the belly button’s role, as most of us know it typically isn’t involved unless under specific circumstances.
- Telling Time: With the prevalence of digital devices, I question how relevant it is for children to learn analog clock reading. Still, it remains a valuable skill. Our attempts at teaching time often devolved into confusion, particularly when discussing fractions of an hour. My daughter once asked, “Can we have pie for dinner?” when I tried to explain a quarter-hour. Perhaps it’s time to rethink how we present this concept.
- Standing in Line: This is particularly true for long queues at amusement parks, especially when the goal is to get an autograph from someone dressed as a cartoon character. I can’t be the only parent who realizes that the person in the costume is just a college student, yet here we are, waiting in line. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have someone else take our place while we relax with a drink?
- Using a Steak Knife: Teaching children to use a steak knife seems straightforward, but the potential hazards make it a daunting task. Perhaps it would be safer to show them the “Fred Flintstone” method—eating the steak whole with a fork. Just kidding…mostly.
- Reviewing Math Facts: It feels like we’ve been at this for ages, and with only two kids, I must be doing something wrong. A typical study session often results in confusion, with answers like “48” instead of the correct “36.” Just when they start to understand, I realize they need to learn the facts in reverse!
- Swimming: Teaching my kids to swim felt like choreographing a chaotic dance routine. My instructions were drowned out by their splashes and panic. It turns out, some activities are best left to professionals who can teach these skills safely and effectively.
And finally, the one responsibility I will definitely outsource when the time comes…
Driving: While Driver’s Ed classes are a valuable resource, the “permit” phase is when I feel trepidation being in the passenger seat with a new driver. I’m not sure I’m ready for a 110-pound learner to operate a 3,000-pound vehicle. I’ll hand this task off to my partner; please text me updates and photos—just not while driving.
While witnessing our children achieve milestones is rewarding, I sometimes wish we could outsource the backaches, blistered hands, and stress that come with parenting. But one indulgence I won’t relinquish is my cherished wine habit.
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Summary
Outsourcing various parenting tasks can be an appealing thought for busy parents. From teaching shoe tying to swimming, many responsibilities can become overwhelming. However, the rewards of witnessing children grow and learn often outweigh the challenges. Yet, it’s natural to desire some help in navigating these demanding duties.