As the sun poured into a charming beach house in North Carolina back in 1990, I found myself staring at my mother, lost in the pages of her paperback novel. “Mom?” I called out, but she remained engrossed in her book. “Mom!” I exclaimed again, desperation creeping into my voice. Finally, she looked up, her patience clearly waning. “Go find your brothers and let me be,” she snapped, her narrowed gaze daring me to push my luck. At that moment, I promised myself that I would never make my child feel less important than a book.
Yet here I am, a mother of three, frequently breaking that promise. I made a conscious choice to prioritize my children’s growth even when it meant disappointing their desires. It’s a stark contrast to a quote I often reflect on: “Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what.” This sentiment, attributed to Catherine M. Wallace, suggests that if we don’t pay attention to the little things, our children won’t share the big things later on.
I do my best to connect with my kids and make them feel valued, but I also recognize that allowing children to believe their needs are always paramount can hinder their development. In her book, How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims discusses the pitfalls of overparenting. She argues that making children the center of our universe can prevent them from acquiring essential life skills. Research indicates that “overvaluing” children can even lead to narcissistic tendencies.
Dr. Lele Diamond, a developmental psychologist, shed light on this issue. She explained that a solid foundation of self-esteem comes from children feeling capable of managing their world independently. When kids act out, it often masks feelings of inadequacy. Overindulgence can lead to a sense of entitlement, which complicates their emotional development. The key, according to Dr. Diamond, is balance. While it’s important for infants to feel like they are the center of attention, as they grow, they should learn that their needs are not the only ones that matter.
As children progress into preschool and elementary school, it’s crucial for them to understand that their wants are important but not exclusive. This helps them develop healthy relationships and learn how to express their needs appropriately. If a child is never told “no,” they might struggle to navigate social interactions, believing that all their demands must be met.
Recently, while flying from California to New York, my 7-year-old spotted the kits in first class. After discussing what might be inside during our walk to the back of the plane, she eagerly asked, “Can I go ask the flight attendants for one?” I hesitated, managing the chaos of her siblings. “Those look cool, but we need to let others get to their seats first. Not right now,” I replied. Her pleas intensified as she attempted to convince me otherwise. Eventually, with the plane ready for takeoff, she declared, “You are the meanest mom in the world!”
“I know, sweetie,” I responded, understanding that my role is not just to fulfill every request but to help her navigate life’s complexities. The promise I made years ago, while watching my mother at my bedside, was to be the best parent I could, which means helping my children understand that while their feelings are valid, the world doesn’t revolve around them.
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Summary
Embracing the role of a “mean” mom may be essential for nurturing well-rounded children. While it’s vital to listen to their needs, overindulgence can hinder their emotional development and social skills. Striking a balance between validating their feelings and teaching them about the world around them is key to raising confident, independent individuals.