One evening, I made the unusual choice to head to bed while leaving the dishes in the sink. It was a Saturday, I was worn out, and we had an early start the next day. I decided to give myself a break from anxiety and retreated to my bedroom to slip into my pajamas. Just as I settled in, I heard the familiar sounds of the kitchen—water running and the clattering of dishes being loaded into the dishwasher.
My partner is taking care of the dishes, I thought. Sounds like it should be a heartwarming thought, right? One that would fill me with gratitude for having such a supportive spouse. Unfortunately, my inner dialogue was far from appreciative.
Oh no, he’s probably not going to load the dishwasher correctly. There’s going to be a mishmash of utensils in the silverware basket. The large bowl will be on top. He won’t rinse the dishes before loading them. I’ll just have to redo it all in the morning. Why can’t he just leave things be?
For anyone wondering, I definitely won’t be winning any awards for “Best Partner” anytime soon.
As the primary caregiver and the one who manages most household tasks, relinquishing control is a monumental challenge for me. I believe my way is the best way, and if it’s not done my way, then what’s the point?
I was so wrong.
Instead of appreciating my partner’s efforts or recognizing my kids for stepping up to help, I acted like an overzealous supervisor, constantly critiquing their methods and redoing their tasks as soon as they were out of sight. This behavior wasn’t helping anyone—not even myself, as I was overwhelmed and in dire need of support.
Hovering over them only communicated that their efforts weren’t good enough. I certainly don’t want anyone in my home to feel inadequate; I want them to feel valued and proud of their contributions. Criticizing how towels are folded or how dishes are washed doesn’t do anyone any favors—it only increases my frustration and diminishes the overall happiness in our home.
I can’t be upset about feeling overburdened while simultaneously getting annoyed when they provide assistance that doesn’t meet my exacting standards. That’s not a fair expectation.
After that evening when I realized I was being ungrateful for my partner’s help, I made a conscious decision to appreciate the little and big things my family does. If my daughter took out the bathroom trash but didn’t grab the empty toilet paper roll, I focused on the fact that she helped instead of what she missed. When my son decided to vacuum the couch cushions, and it took him far longer than expected, I praised him for his willingness to assist, knowing that recognition encourages positive behavior—even if it made my eye twitch.
The next time my partner washed the dishes, I bit my tongue and expressed gratitude that he was in the kitchen, allowing me to relax with my tea and enjoy my favorite show.
This household thrives not on my individual standards, but on collective effort and genuine appreciation for one another’s contributions. I’m actively working on stepping back and letting go of micromanaging tendencies. They may not clean the floors as thoroughly as I do, but their attempts matter, and that’s what counts.
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Summary:
In this article, I reflect on my struggle to appreciate my family’s help around the house, especially when their methods differ from mine. I share my journey toward recognizing their efforts, letting go of control, and fostering a more positive and supportive environment at home.