A couple of weeks ago, after a significant snowstorm, I was walking my son to preschool. Snowdrifts towered around us, and my son was gleefully launching himself into every pile of snow we passed. As we neared the school, another parent observed my snow-covered child as he hurled himself off a mini-snow mountain by the entrance.
“Boys will be boys, huh?” the parent remarked.
“Uh… sure,” I chuckled nervously, helping my son stand and brushing the snow off him as we headed inside.
While I laughed on the outside, internally, I was cringing. I have a strong aversion to the phrase “Boys will be boys,” particularly when it’s aimed at my sons. I understand that the parent meant no offense; he saw my son enjoying his energetic play and likely thought it was charming. By saying “Boys will be boys,” he was simply acknowledging what he perceived as normal boyish behavior.
And yes, it is indeed normal. I can agree with that. However, the issue lies in the assumption that such behavior is inherently tied to being a boy.
I’m certain this parent didn’t consider the gender bias embedded in the phrase “Boys will be boys,” which implies that certain actions and behaviors are exclusive to boys. I doubt he realized how often this phrase is used to excuse aggressive or inappropriate behavior in boys and men.
While I can analyze these societal norms without letting them affect me personally, my concern was for my son.
For the first four years of his life, I did my utmost to protect him from such gender stereotypes. I knew he would encounter them eventually, but I wanted him to have a few years to explore life on his own terms, to develop his passions and interests free from gender constraints.
I never conveyed the idea that specific things were exclusively for boys or girls. When he expressed interest in a princess tiara at a store, I bought it for him. I allowed him to collect pink toothbrushes and even take home a Barbie from his cousin’s house without hesitation.
Most of his interests leaned toward what society typically considers boyish—trucks, trains, superheroes—but I aimed to ensure those interests were his own and not predetermined by societal norms.
I anticipated that he would eventually realize that many people view things differently. A few months into preschool, while reading a princess book he’d chosen from the library, he remarked, “Mommy, did you know that princesses are for girls?”
I replied, “Well, many people think that, but it’s just a made-up idea. You can like princesses whether you’re a boy or a girl.”
He seemed to accept that.
However, a few weeks later, while coloring, he suddenly declared that I should throw away all the pink markers.
“Why?” I inquired.
“Pink is only for girls,” he asserted.
Taking a deep breath, I explained that although some people believe that, pink is just a color meant for everyone to enjoy. He seemed to process my words, but I noticed a hint of skepticism in his demeanor.
This is why I was less than thrilled to have him overhear that parent say, “Boys will be boys,” about his playful antics in the snow. I recognize it’s just an expression—just words—but children are exceptionally perceptive. They hear everything and absorb far more than we realize.
We can’t completely shield our kids from the deeply ingrained gender stereotypes in our culture. Even the most progressive families will inevitably fall short at times. However, we all have a role to play. We must choose our words thoughtfully and consider the messages we wish to convey to our children.
As the mother of two boys, I feel it’s my responsibility to teach them that being male doesn’t limit their emotional range. They can be energetic and adventurous, but they can also be sensitive and express their feelings. I want them to understand that their gender should never be an excuse for mistreating others.
I want to raise young men who respect everyone—women, their peers, and individuals they encounter throughout life. But I can’t do this alone. I need the support of those around me.
So, please think twice before using phrases like “Boys will be boys” or “Man up.” Help send the message to my sons and all boys that they are more than the gender they were assigned at birth, and that they have the potential to be whoever they aspire to be.
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In summary, while playful behavior is entirely normal, it’s crucial to challenge the stereotypes that accompany it. We can raise boys who are emotionally aware and respectful of everyone, and it starts with the language we use.