As I watched my youngest child drive off to college, his car brimming with belongings, an overwhelming sense of sadness enveloped me. I felt hollow, exposed, and utterly lost. It was a raw moment that left me questioning everything.
A friend, trying to lighten the mood, remarked, “Well, I guess you’re no longer a mother.” In that moment, I grabbed a butter knife and shot him a fierce glare, wanting to reject his words. Admittedly, that was a low point in my 25 years of parenting.
However, as time passed, I began to regain my composure. My husband and I adjusted to the tranquility of our now quiet home. I found myself reflecting on that offhand comment. It forced me to confront a series of important questions regarding my new identity as the mother of three adults. Yes, I’m still their mother, but how involved should I be in their lives now? Should I continue to offer advice? Am I still responsible for holiday traditions, like filling Easter baskets and Christmas stockings?
As I pondered these questions, I realized I needed to consider a few more.
When Does Childhood End?
Determining when a child officially becomes an adult is subjective. In some states, the law designates adulthood at 18, correlating with voting rights established during the Vietnam War era. However, true adulthood is a journey, not a destination marked by a specific birthday. In my view, a person achieves adulthood when they can fully support themselves, particularly financially. It’s clear that this age varies for everyone, as there are always exceptions, but generally, self-sufficiency signals the end of childhood.
What Happens to My Role as a Parent?
After misstepping numerous times in my attempts to navigate this transition, I’ve come to a clear conclusion: allow your adult children to define the role you play in their lives. While this might seem one-sided, it’s essential for parents to step back and let their adult children make their own decisions. Yes, they will make mistakes; they may even face financial setbacks. That’s simply part of life. And thankfully, every misstep brings wisdom.
Navigating Moral and Ideological Differences
This aspect can be particularly challenging. We raise our children with our values, only to watch them diverge in unexpected directions. What if your son, whom you nurtured to be open-minded, suddenly identifies as a staunch conservative? Or if your daughter, raised with conservative ideals, embraces a radically different perspective?
It’s essential to remember that their lives are now theirs to live. While we may disagree with their choices—just as our parents likely disagreed with many of ours—unconditional love must remain our guiding principle.
What If They Seek Guidance?
If your adult child approaches you for advice, offer it freely! But remember to wait until you’re asked. If your daughter wants to chat daily, cherish that connection. However, if she prefers to reach out less frequently, make those conversations count. Supporting and loving our children fosters an environment where they feel comfortable seeking our counsel.
As you embark on this new chapter of parenting adult children, let go of control, embrace the changes, and recognize that failures and regrets are integral to their growth. Watching them craft their own paths as independent adults is a beautiful and rewarding experience.
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Summary
Letting go as a parent is both challenging and rewarding. As children transition into adulthood, parents must reassess their roles, allowing their adult children to make their own choices while maintaining unconditional love and support. Embracing this new phase of parenting can lead to a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with grown children.