For as long as I can remember, I’ve carried extra weight. I’ve never considered myself unhealthy, but my larger build has always been a source of concern. I did my best to brush it off until my daughter, Lily, came into my life.
At one point, I tipped the scales at over 200 pounds and wore a size 16. The thought of being classified as plus-sized sent shivers down my spine. I feared falling behind as Lily grew and became more active. I dreaded the idea of rummaging through plus-sized shops for clothes that felt anything but stylish (though I’ve since learned that many plus-sized stores offer trendy options). I worried about how my husband might perceive me and how society would judge my appearance.
Determined to change, I committed to a healthier lifestyle. I worked out regularly and embraced nutritious eating. Before long, I had shed weight, reaching 165 pounds on my 5-foot-6-inch frame. I felt stronger, more flexible, and I could easily outrun my friends. I reveled in my fitness and healthy meals.
But then, the tide turned. Over the past three years, I slowly regained weight. My muscles weakened, my body became stiff, and I often felt sluggish. The most painful realization? I struggled to keep up with Lily, who is now 7 years old.
And she notices. She asks questions that cut deep. “Why are you bigger than Dad?” she wonders. “Why is your tummy so squishy?” Her innocent curiosity raises uncomfortable questions about my body, including the dimples on my thighs and the stretch marks that have been part of me for years. While I’ve never been bothered by these features, my current weight makes it harder to brush off these inquiries.
How can I tell her that the pressures of work, college, and family life led me to neglect my own well-being? How do I explain that I feel too exhausted to work out in the evenings or that I lack the time to prepare healthier meals? Ultimately, I know these are just excuses. But the hardest question of all echoes in my mind: “Why are you fat, Mommy?”
She asks this without malice. In our home, we don’t use “fat” as a slur; we don’t judge or criticize bodies, and I refuse to demean myself in her presence. Yet, somewhere along the line, she must have picked up on my self-doubt. I am a person with fat on my body—there’s no denying that.
So, why am I in this situation? Do I tell her it’s due to indulging in junk food or binge-watching shows instead of exercising? Do I attribute my weight to genetics? The truth is, these issues are mine—burdens that a child shouldn’t have to shoulder. I want to be clear that not all overweight individuals lead unhealthy lives like I have.
However, Lily’s questions have forced me to reflect on my own choices. I recognize why I’ve gained weight, and I’m not satisfied with being out of shape. This isn’t merely about how I look; it’s about how I feel. And let’s face it: I feel terrible.
Her inquiries have triggered my own: How do I reclaim my health? What needs to change? What steps do I need to take? The answers are clear, and now it’s time to act. I want to be a role model for Lily, to live a healthier lifestyle, and to keep pace with her at the playground while feeling good in my own skin.
I understand that it might seem harsh to judge myself, but my focus isn’t on my size or appearance; it’s on my health. With a family history of diabetes, cancer, heart issues, and brain aneurysms, I recognize the importance of self-care. It’s vital that I cultivate healthy habits now so that I can pass them on to Lily.
As I embark on this journey toward better health, I am thankful for the support from friends, family, and my daughter, who motivate me to prioritize myself and remind me of my value, regardless of my size. If you’re looking for more insights on this journey, you can check out our related post here.
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In summary, my daughter’s innocent questions have ignited a desire for change. I’m ready to reclaim my health and set a positive example for her, prioritizing well-being over appearance.