As I sit here reflecting on our friendship, I’m filled with love and longing for the times we once shared. We often joke about how busy life gets, juggling jobs and kids, and we frequently promise to carve out time for each other. But let’s be honest—life’s chaos often takes over, and I wonder if we will ever find that time again.
I want to apologize. I’m sorry for not making plans with you. I’m sorry for my reluctance to commit. Most of all, I’m sorry for the times I’ve canceled on you.
This morning, I woke up at 3:07 a.m. to my son, Alex. This is a standard occurrence in my life. Some days, he screams; on others, he kicks. There are moments when I feel I might just break, and there are days when I question how I’ll manage to get through it all.
I could tell you all this, but it often feels unbelievable. I sound like a broken record. So, I cancel plans or avoid committing altogether. Each day in my world is so unpredictable, and I need you to understand that the burden I carry is larger than our friendship—it’s something I can’t control.
I sense the distance between us. I miss you. I miss our friendship, and, most importantly, I miss the person I used to be.
I know I’m not the same woman you remember. I used to be fun and spontaneous, but since Alex was born, everything changed. I know some of you might have wondered if I was dealing with postpartum depression. I heard the whispers.
Just to clarify: I wasn’t.
I simply found myself in a different reality. The moment Alex entered this world, everything shifted. We were once on the same path—college, weddings, baby preparations—but that day marked a turning point. Suddenly, I became an autism parent, and the weight of that label felt heavier than I could bear.
When our children were younger, it was manageable. My baby didn’t sleep; yours did. I was exhausted, but I could still pretend. We would share a glass of wine and laugh about the challenges of motherhood, dreaming about future vacations.
But then, the differences in our children became glaringly obvious. This was no longer just a case of a fussy baby; this was something serious. The contrasts in our experiences hung heavily in the air. We would share stories about other moms facing similar challenges, and I held onto the hope that everything would be okay.
But then the diagnosis came.
My life became a whirlwind of doctor visits, therapies, and IEP meetings. I felt isolated, and I know you felt it too. It was as if I were watching myself fade away. I felt irrelevant, and I even felt jealousy creeping in.
Your child achieved milestones while Alex struggled to keep up. I watched as you celebrated accomplishments I could only dream of. You potty trained your child in a month, while I was still searching for size 7 diapers. And just like that, I retreated into a new world.
I stopped reaching out. I withdrew.
It’s the truth, and we can dance around it all we want. You assure me that you love Alex and that you don’t mind the challenges, but the reality is that I do. I worry about parenting in front of you. I stress about how I can’t sit and engage with you because of Alex’s needs. I worry about the messes and the chaos.
Every day, I wake up with good intentions, but by the end of it, I sometimes struggle to keep my eyes open. I feel a pang in my stomach when I see you sharing milestones like signing your daughter up for gymnastics while I’m researching special needs strollers.
What you’re doing is incredible, and I want you to know that. Your children are thriving, and you are doing an amazing job. I just wish I could be there with you.
I need your forgiveness. I’m letting you off the hook. Autism is my world, not yours.
Thank you for standing by me, and please don’t give up on me. Your children will continue to grow, while I sometimes feel stuck. Remember us and know that we’re trying our best to fit into your world. I love you, and I appreciate your understanding.
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Summary:
In this heartfelt reflection, Emma Thompson shares her experience of stepping back from friendships as her son Alex struggles with autism. She candidly discusses the weight of her parenting journey, the challenges of maintaining relationships, and her longing for connection. Emma emphasizes the importance of understanding and forgiveness in navigating the complexities of motherhood, particularly for those facing special needs challenges.