It was the rage that truly terrified me. I anticipated feelings of sadness, melancholy, and irritability after giving birth, which I certainly experienced. But rage? That was a shocking turn I didn’t foresee as part of my postpartum depression (PPD). It was this very rage that pushed me to seek help.
Around five weeks after my second daughter, Lily, entered the world, my husband realized I was struggling. To lift my spirits, he surprised me with a half-day at a local spa. The thought of a manicure, facial, and massage without the demands of a baby or toddler was pure bliss.
However, upon returning home, I immediately heard Lily crying from the basement. My body tensed, and the tranquility I had felt vanished. My husband informed me that Lily hadn’t eaten while I was away. She had accepted a little milk from a bottle, but from that moment on, she refused the bottle completely.
From that day forward, I felt a simmering rage growing within me. I felt trapped by my fussy, non-sleeping baby who wouldn’t take a bottle. I was also frustrated with my toddler, Emma, who constantly threw tantrums. I began to doubt my decision to leave my full-time writing career for sporadic freelance work.
Every day was a whirlwind of overwhelming sadness, anxiety, and anger. Then came a night when I completely lost my temper with Emma during one of her meltdowns. Words exploded from my mouth uncontrollably. I wanted to shake her and make her stop (thankfully, I didn’t). I wanted to escape the situation entirely.
The rage I felt was otherworldly. Fortunately, my husband was there to step in. I still feel nauseous thinking about my behavior and the potential consequences. It was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
The next day, I reached out to both my primary care physician and my OB-GYN. Together, they prescribed Zoloft and set me up with therapy immediately. Within days, my sadness, lack of interest in life, and anxiety improved significantly with the medication.
However, controlling the rage proved more challenging. While Zoloft helped, it was the therapy that truly made a difference.
Today, four years later, I continue to manage my depression. While my postpartum depression improved, it transformed into a different type of depression following my father’s unexpected passing. What label it carries now is uncertain, but I am still navigating it.
The rage remains my greatest hurdle and is, in my experience, the least discussed symptom of depression. This is why I’m sharing my story. I want all moms to know that if you’re grappling with postpartum depression, along with the rage that can accompany it, you are not alone. You are not a bad mother. Help is available, and it will get better.
Being a mom can be incredibly tough. Sometimes, the hardest step is asking for help. I remember how daunting that first phone call felt for me.
Now, I realize that depression affects ordinary people. These distressing emotions do not define my worth as a mother. Through medication, therapy, and healthier lifestyle choices, I feel like I’m reclaiming my identity. Yes, I still battle with depression, sadness, and rage, but I finally feel like I’m gaining ground.
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Summary:
Rage is a frightening and lesser-known symptom of postpartum depression that can leave new mothers feeling overwhelmed and trapped. This article highlights one mother’s journey through PPD, emphasizing the importance of seeking help, and reassures others that they are not alone in their struggles. With the right support, recovery is possible.