Dear Beloved Children,
By now, you’ve likely realized that your mother is not a morning person, and for your own safety, I’ve created a list of things to avoid before I’ve had my much-needed coffee. Oh, that glorious brew that transforms me from a groggy creature into a functioning human! Disregarding this list may lead to consequences—consider yourselves warned.
- Do NOT stomp around like a herd of elephants. Seriously, not even woolly mammoths can compete with the noise you all make first thing in the morning.
- Do NOT bombard me with breakfast inquiries. You are not toddlers anymore. I relinquish my breakfast duties at this hour. I fed you dinner less than 12 hours ago! Feel free to forage for cold pizza or whatever else you can find.
- Do NOT ask questions. Whether it’s about sleepovers, allowance advances, or the last yogurt, the answer is a resounding “No!” Save all inquiries until I’ve had a chance to wake up.
- Do NOT turn on the television. I have absolutely no patience for those cartoons before I’m properly caffeinated. Trust me, even after coffee, some shows are best avoided.
- Do NOT make annoying sounds. Whistling, giggling, or any form of loud chewing is off-limits. No need to serenade me with Disney songs that will stick in my head like gum on a shoe.
- Do NOT report injustices, real or imagined. If your brother called you “stupid” or hogged the bread, I honestly don’t want to hear it. In fact, maybe we should just lock him away until I’m fully alert.
- Do NOT invite non-family members over. On weekends, friends are often around, but no one else should witness the chaos that is me before my coffee. Besides, the noise level will likely spike, and I can’t be held accountable for what might happen.
- Do NOT sneak up behind me to check my coffee level. This is only going to irritate me further and may even require an extra cup of that glorious brew, pushing back my recovery time.
Rest assured, my dear children, once I’ve had my first (or maybe second) cup of coffee, I’ll return to my usual patient and cheerful self. Just give me a few moments of peace to gather the mental and emotional strength needed to tackle the day’s challenges. Thank you for your understanding.
Sincerely,
Your Caring (Yet Uncaffeinated) Mother
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Summary
Morning routines can be chaotic, especially for moms before their coffee. This humorous guide outlines several things kids should avoid until their mothers are caffeinated, ensuring a smoother start to the day.