I have a confession that might raise some eyebrows: being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) simply isn’t for me. Reflecting on the past six and a half years since my son was born, I realize I never truly envisioned this path. At that time, I was a speech therapist working with seniors in nursing homes, promising my clients a return after four months. Deep down, I had my doubts about that promise.
When my son turned three months old, I barely felt equipped to manage his needs, let alone prepare for my professional return. So, I resigned, planning to jump back into work once he was one year old. But life had other plans: just nine months later, I found out I was pregnant with our daughter. It seemed unreasonable to return to work for a mere six months before stepping out again, so I decided to give her the same full year I had given my son.
Fast forward to my daughter’s first birthday, and it became clear that my son was not like other kids. His undiagnosed ADHD and sensory processing issues made him a handful. I felt I had to keep a constant watch on him for safety’s sake. He was the kind of child who could turn any room into a potential danger zone, climbing counters and unplugging wires like it was his job. I was his personal babyproofing agent.
Over the years, my son’s spirited nature continued to raise concerns, and I just couldn’t trust anyone else with him. If he had a mishap at the park, I needed to be there to mitigate the fallout. While I felt overwhelmed managing two toddlers, there was also an underlying fear about returning to the workforce after being away for so long, which became my excuse.
When my son started kindergarten last year, life eased up a bit. However, my unhappiness had grown significantly, making the prospect of returning to a job I didn’t love feel unbearable. I had always dreamed of being a mother, yet I discovered through introspection that the role of a SAHM wasn’t fulfilling for me. It took me six long years to confront that truth.
I used to believe that having children meant embracing the joy of parenting. While I cherish my kids, the daily demands didn’t provide the satisfaction I craved. After scrimping to hire a babysitter, I finally had some much-needed help. In the last six months, I have felt a renewed sense of self. I recently made a life-changing decision: I applied for a master’s program in mental health counseling, and I start classes tomorrow. The excitement is palpable!
Of course, in true ironic fashion, my babysitter is on vacation for two weeks right as I begin school. Thankfully, my mother is stepping in to help with the kids while I’m in class. As we discussed the schedule, she asked, “Will you be home before or after J [my husband]?” I replied, “I won’t be back until about 9:30 PM since I have a board meeting for my volunteering right after class.”
Her response was filled with unspoken judgment, “How are the kids handling this, Laura?” I could feel her skepticism, as if she believed my happiness was secondary to their needs. “They’ll be fine. They want me to be happy, and staying home all day didn’t do that for me. They’ve had me all to themselves for six and a half years; now it’s my turn,” I said.
Her abrupt change of subject told me she didn’t agree but didn’t want to argue. In her eyes, being a SAHM is paramount, and a mother’s happiness should take a backseat to her children’s needs. But I believe otherwise. I’ve been there for them, and I will continue to be, but I wasn’t being the best version of myself during those years. I felt like a shell of my former self, merely going through the motions of motherhood.
The truth is, I don’t enjoy being a SAHM. The constant demands and activities drain me, and I find myself bored with pretend play. I dread the never-ending cycle of meal times and coaxing my kids to eat. Admitting this makes me feel guilty, as if I’m failing as a mother. Yet, I know I need to pursue interests outside of parenting to find fulfillment. A happy mom equates to a better parent.
So, tomorrow, I’m shaking things up for myself. I anticipate some may question why I chose to have children if I didn’t want to stay home with them. I grapple with feelings of selfishness but recognize that chasing my dreams is necessary for my happiness. I remain dedicated to my kids and will always be there for them. I want to demonstrate that it’s never too late to follow your aspirations while creating a nurturing home environment. I assure you, I will still be their mom, lovingly present in their lives, without the resentment that once lingered.
For those interested in similar experiences, check out this insightful post on Cervical Insemination. Additionally, if you’re considering home insemination, Make a Mom offers reputable products to assist in that journey. And for more information on pregnancy and related topics, the WHO is a fantastic resource.
In summary, I’m embracing this new chapter of my life, prioritizing my happiness, and pursuing a dream that will ultimately make me a better mom.