Lifestyle
Jan. 25, 2023
When life is genuinely going well, you’d think the only thing left to do is savor it. However, I’ve found myself doing quite the opposite, and it turns out I’m not alone in this experience. It’s reassuring to know that others share similar feelings, and we all deserve that comfort.
I have a wonderful, affectionate partner, four bright and spirited kids, a safe home, nourishing meals, and a loving environment. In essence, I have it all. Generally, I’d say I’m a happy and content person. But, I also grapple with some unsettling emotions that have lingered for years. I often keep these feelings bottled up, worried about how they may be perceived. I refer to these emotions as “intrusions,” which tend to arise at the most inconvenient moments. They follow a simple pattern:
- I am incredibly fortunate and blessed.
- Something terrible is bound to happen to my family.
I see negativity and hardship in the world and the lives of those around me. Meanwhile, I find joy in my daily life. Sure, life has its imperfections, but they become trivial once you add a little perspective. Instead of counting my blessings, I fell into the trap of anticipating something bad happening, as if I were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And drop it did, or so I believed, during what felt like the longest two minutes of my life:
On New Year’s Day, my family spent a lovely day with my sister’s family at our parents’ home. After dinner, my mother called for me in an unusually serious tone, using my full name—the way she did when I was in trouble as a child.
I dashed upstairs to find her on her knees, cradling my 2-year-old son, Ethan, who looked completely unresponsive. Panic washed over me, and I screamed for someone to call 911 as I rushed to him. I could feel him slipping away as I held his limp body.
My immediate thought was that he was choking. I swept his mouth, turned him over my arm, and gave him a few firm pats on the back. But nothing worked. Laying him on the floor, I saw that his skin had turned gray and his lips were blue. At that moment, I was convinced I was losing him. I began CPR, compressing his chest and listening for breaths—nothing. I gave him a breath, and soon my brother joined in, all while we pleaded for him to fight back. My father was shouting at dispatch, “Send help now!”
My other kids and nephew stood nearby, frozen in fear. Just then, Ethan blinked, slowly coming back to us. I scooped him up, tried another sweep of his mouth, and accidentally triggered a gag reflex. The sound was music to my ears; he was regaining consciousness just as emergency responders arrived.
Surprisingly, my CPR efforts didn’t save him; he wasn’t choking at all. Instead, he had suffered a febrile seizure brought on by a rapid temperature spike—something I had never considered in that moment. Had I noticed any signs, I might have been prepared. Thankfully, he’s back to his cheerful self, although I can’t resist checking his temperature now, fearing another episode.
In those frantic moments, I experienced an out-of-body sensation, fully believing I was about to lose my child. The vividness of that fear still lingers: “This is it. My life cannot exist without this child. Please, God, don’t do this to me.”
I recognize that I’ve been traumatized by this incident. Those two minutes felt like an eternity, and I’m working to overcome the emotional weight it left behind. The flashbacks are becoming less frequent, and that dark shadow that loomed over me has begun to lift. Though I can’t unsee or unfeel what happened, I know that with time and support, healing is possible for all of us.
Through this experience, I’ve learned a crucial lesson: Happiness comes without strings attached. I had convinced myself that joy carried a risk, which only kept me from fully appreciating the good in my life. This recent reminder of life’s fragility has motivated me to cherish every moment and fully embrace my blessings as I count them. If you’re interested in exploring more about embracing motherhood, check out this insightful post on intracervicalinsemination.org.
In conclusion, let’s all strive to focus on the positives in our lives instead of letting fear cloud our happiness. Life is precious, and it’s worth every moment of joy.