We all understand the principles of positive parenting, right? Picture this: your 6-year-old is throwing a fit, yelling that you’re a terrible parent, ruining their fun, and outright refusing to clean up their toys. In this moment, positive parenting suggests that you should get down to their level, furrow your brow slightly, and say something like, “Wow, you seem really upset. Can you explain why you feel that way?” Or perhaps, “It sounds like you’re grappling with some intense emotions. How can I assist you?” Or even, “Oh my, you might just need a hug!” All while your child is practically screaming in your face.
But there’s a catch with this approach: beneath that calm exterior, you might just be wishing to disappear.
Positive parenting expects you to maintain a sympathetic demeanor, while inside, you feel like unleashing your inner Medusa. After all, you’ve dedicated your day to laundry, cleaning the floors, reading stories, and delicately extracting goo from tangled hair—often fueled by nothing more than a cup of lukewarm coffee and a half-eaten waffle. If you’re not a good parent after all this, then what’s left? Were you supposed to do it all while singing “Chim Chim Cher-ee” from Mary Poppins? No way—you are not a bad parent. Button pressed. Cue the mental checklist of everything you’ve done today.
But wait, you’re a positive parent. You’ve avoided doing these things to make your child feel guilty later. You want them to grow up understanding that they don’t owe you anything for all your sacrifices. You are selfless—like a modern-day saint.
Then, they hit you with the accusation that you ruin their fun. Their fun? For real? You’ve spent the entire day juggling chores and organizing art projects that involve scissors and glue—activities that need your supervision, pulling you away from your cleaning tasks. After all that, you even break out the glitter, the bane of every parent’s existence. You’ll find traces of it years later, even when they’re off to college. But you do it all out of love. And after those joyful moments, you read them three books and let them win at checkers.
Yet, you don’t share this mental monologue with them. You refrain from reminding them about all the fun they’ve had, courtesy of your efforts (plus a trip to the playground). Ranting is frowned upon, and let’s be honest, the experts say kids won’t even hear you. Instead, you take a deep breath and suggest, “How about we take some deep breaths together?” When they stubbornly refuse, you breathe deeply alone, all while resisting the urge to strangle their tiny neck.
And still, they stomp around, declaring they won’t clean up their toys. Those toys? You brought them into this home, and you can just as easily take them out. You’ve lost count of how many times you’ve picked up those toys, sorted through them, or dug them out from behind the couch. All you’re asking is for them to tidy up a few Hot Wheels. You pick up more in ten seconds than they do in an hour. If only your back wasn’t so sore from the constant bending, you’d do it yourself and skip the tantrum.
But no, you can’t just take their toys. They’re sacred, and you wouldn’t dream of getting rid of them like they might with your jewelry. Instead, you put on that concerned frowny face and say, “I see you don’t want to clean up. I don’t love it either, but let’s see who can pick up the most the fastest! Ready, set, go!” Or maybe, “Let’s sing a cleanup song together,” and off you go, singing some made-up lyrics to the tune of “Frère Jacques.” Either way, you’re on your knees, picking up the mess. Ugh.
Positive parenting does have its merits. It validates children as real individuals, respects their feelings, and acknowledges that they deserve the same consideration as adults. But for every moment of patience, there’s an inner voice that contemplates everything from escape routes to spontaneous trips to Vegas instead of relishing in love and joy. Unless you’re a Zen master, it’s nearly impossible to endure a tantrum without feeling an urge to retaliate. The true mark of a loving, positive parent? You don’t act on those thoughts. But let’s be real; who hasn’t thought about it at least once?
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Summary
Positive parenting can be a daunting journey, especially when faced with the daily challenges of managing a child’s emotions and behavior. While the philosophy encourages patience and understanding, it’s perfectly normal for parents to wrestle with frustration and exhaustion. The key is to navigate these moments with empathy while recognizing that your own feelings are valid.