A picture is said to convey a thousand words — but is that really the case? This recent photo captures the essence of confidence, joy, and hope. Yet, if you take a moment to look beyond the surface, you’ll see it’s a façade. Truth is, I’m struggling. I’m battling depression, and it feels like I’m at the end of my mental rope. With the holiday season upon us, the reminders of what should be a joyful time only intensify my feelings of despair. It’s time to be honest — I’m afraid to hit publish today, but I can’t hide my truth any longer. Depression isn’t always what you expect; it can seem completely…ordinary.
Writing has always been my form of therapy. People often commend my way with words, but why should I share my experiences with depression when, on the surface, I seem to have it all? A loving family, a thriving business, countless blessings. I should be enjoying the prime of my life, yet I find myself spiraling deeper into sadness. Behind the internet persona of a blogger, mom, daughter, and friend lies a different reality. What does my depression “look” like? A chaotic whirlwind of mixed emotions.
A Facade of Happiness
Social media allows us to curate the lives we want others to see. I can snap a photo that portrays a woman who is content and thriving, but the moment I post it, my mood can shift dramatically. I’ve become a master of deception.
The happiness I project online is merely a snapshot of what I wish to share. I don’t photograph the moments spent curled up in bed, paralyzed by fear. I don’t share videos of tears streaming down my cheeks for hours. I don’t highlight the arguments I instigate with my partner. Instead, I close the door on my “real life” and present a glimpse of what could be a typical mom’s busy yet fulfilling existence, because who wants to see the darker side of life?
A Quiet Struggle
It’s easy to mask my secrets, fears, and overwhelming sadness behind a shy demeanor. I often blend into the background, avoiding the spotlight. The thought of being in crowded spaces or sharing my thoughts online intimidates me. Strangers make me anxious, and I constantly prepare myself before stepping out into the world. Yet, in the virtual realm, I exude energy. I have followers who look forward to my posts filled with playful moments and genuine insights into motherhood. This perception of confidence and humor is what people crave.
But I’m afraid. After experiencing considerable hurt this year, I’ve shut myself off from the world. Friendships have dwindled, and as I navigate my thirties, making new connections feels increasingly daunting. I desire friendships without strings attached, but I hesitate — I don’t want to open my heart to potential pain. So, I keep everyone at a distance, portraying a life that seems perfect while nodding, smiling, and exchanging small talk about the weather before retreating back into my shell.
The Weight of Motherhood
“You’re a wonderful mom.” I have great kids — they’re kind, loving, and I cherish being their mother. But what you don’t see is my short temper. I’ve been yelling more often for no justifiable reason. I find myself overwhelmed by daily responsibilities. My once-organized self is buckling under the pressures of sports, clubs, and carpooling. Depression seeps into every aspect of my life, making even simple tasks feel monumental.
I feel like a failure. This year, I experienced a miscarriage, a loss I’ve kept largely to myself due to the shame I felt as a mother. I let down a child I didn’t even know I desperately wanted. I question my worth as a parent, grappling with the sadness of never being the mother I hoped to be.
A Businesswoman in Crisis
I’m my own boss, setting my own hours, and I built my blog from scratch. I’m on track for my most profitable year yet, having traveled across the country and met inspiring individuals. I’ve taken on exciting campaigns, pushing my boundaries and achieving goals.
Yet, I feel utterly alone. The stress of work often drives me to bury myself deeper into my blog. I convince myself that I can achieve happiness and success if I just work harder. I can ignore the loneliness that gnaws at me by focusing on tasks. But the truth is, success feels hollow without someone to share it with.
A Family in Turmoil
This sense of isolation permeates my family life as well. My drive for success often comes at the expense of quality time with my loved ones. I push them away, opting for to-do lists instead of snuggles and family outings. Why engage emotionally when I can stick to cold emails and calculated responses?
My husband worries about my well-being, and it’s taking a toll on him. My children see me cry too often, unsure of how to react. I oscillate between anger and despair, creating a chaotic environment. Fearing the damage I might inflict on my loved ones, I keep my distance, believing it’s safer that way. I’ve spent so long away from them that I’ve forgotten how to simply be present. That image of a happy family feels distant.
A Crumbling Confidence
I try to maintain an appearance of confidence: dressed well, hair styled, and a picture-perfect smile. Yet, no matter how well I dress up, it never truly bolsters my self-esteem.
My faith has been shaken. I’m no longer the strong, dependable friend; I’m seeking answers and questioning my beliefs. I pour over spiritual texts, pray fervently, and ask, “Why?” I anxiously await whatever comes next. Will there be a resolution? I know I am loved, yet I question the conditions of that love. Even though I believe in a higher power, I wonder if I can truly be saved from my own turmoil. “What is Your plan for me?” My prayers are filled with frustration and desperation.
Before You Judge Me
I’m not sharing this for pity or answers. I want anyone out there struggling during this holiday season to know you’re not alone. Depression is a tangible reality; it can imprison you, especially during festive times. Although I feel cornered, I want you to know I’m holding your hand through this struggle. The sadness can feel insurmountable, and you might wonder if you’ll ever regain your former self. But remember, you are loved just as you are. We are all imperfect, and today, many of us are feeling more broken than usual.
The takeaway? Depression can take on many forms. We often present a polished version of ourselves to the world, even when we’re crumbling inside. I don’t have all the answers. I recognize the need for change, yet I often feel paralyzed. I understand I need assistance, but asking for help is daunting. I know I have inner demons, but battling them feels overwhelming. I want to engage with the world, but taking those first steps is challenging. I’m apprehensive about the implications of sharing my story. But I’ve taken that step. Therapy? Yes. Life-changing? I hope so. It’s a move towards healing.
Please, let’s be more attuned to those who might be suffering this holiday season. Depression could be lurking right in front of you, hidden beneath the surface. Listen. Be present. Love openly.
If you’re feeling depressed today, know that I stand with you. I empathize with your struggles. You are not alone.
This article was originally published on Dec. 23, 2023. For more insightful discussions, check out one of our other blog posts here.
For those considering at-home insemination, you can find quality supplies at Make A Mom, a reputable retailer. Additionally, if you’re looking for information on IUI success rates, WebMD offers a wealth of resources.
In summary, this post is a candid exploration of the hidden struggles of depression, emphasizing that behind every seemingly perfect image, there may be a battle that remains unseen.