Statistics reveal that 1 in 6 women have endured either completed or attempted rape. Though the exact numbers are challenging to ascertain due to underreporting, it’s estimated that 1 in 5 girls face childhood sexual abuse. Self-reported data indicates that an alarming 20% of women have experienced sexual assault or abuse during their formative years. Reflecting on my circle of friends, it seems I am among that 20%, the 1 in 6, as many of the women I know have encountered some form of sexual violation in their lives. The question is not “Were you assaulted?” but rather “When did it happen?”
To navigate these conversations, we need a code of conduct—an approach to discuss these topics without trivialization. First and foremost, we must prioritize trigger warnings, regardless of how unnecessary they may seem to some. Yes, it can feel tedious to write TRIGGER WARNING BELOW when sharing in a social media group, but just because you haven’t personally faced such trauma doesn’t mean these warnings are meant for the frail or overly sensitive. They serve as a safeguard for resilient individuals who may find themselves destabilized by reminders of their past. Survivors should have the agency to choose when and how they engage with discussions about sexual violence, having already had their autonomy stripped away once. Encountering triggering material can lead to feelings of re-victimization—a sense of powerlessness that can be overwhelming.
Secondly, we must emerge from the shadows. Establishing a robust, supportive community is essential to create a safe space for individuals to share their experiences. This requires those who are strongest among us to step forward—not necessarily with graphic details, but in a spirit of solidarity. I have my own painful history: I was abused as a child and raped twice in college. By sharing my story, I create an opportunity for others to voice their own experiences. Through this sharing, we can find healing, realizing we are not alone, we did not invite this upon ourselves, and that our assaults do not define us. By recounting our narratives, we provide an opening for others to reaffirm these essential truths with us.
When someone chooses to disclose their experience, we must respond with the same gravity as we would if we were receiving news of a death. This experience represents a kind of death—the loss of innocence and control over one’s own body. The most appropriate response to such a revelation is, “I’m so sorry. How can I support you?” Avoid offering a hug; the individual may not desire physical touch while recounting their trauma. Additionally, refrain from gasping in shock; your reaction should never shift the focus onto you.
When hearing about an assault, the instinctive question may be, “What happened?” Resist this urge. If they wish to share the details, they will. Do not pry into specifics such as when, where, how, or who was involved. Avoid inquiries about whether they reported the incident or informed someone close to them. Your role is to provide support and concentrate on the individual who has suffered.
If details are shared, your responsibility is singular: to listen. Nod to show your engagement without displaying shock, disbelief, or anger. Responding with shock turns the conversation back to you. Disbelief can unintentionally convey that you’re struggling to comprehend that something so horrific could happen to someone “nice,” which may further entrench their feelings of shame. While it’s natural to feel angry on their behalf, it’s crucial to maintain composure. Acceptable responses include, “I’m so sorry,” “I’m furious for you,” “That should never have happened,” and “Remember, none of this is your fault.”
Above all, never question the authenticity of their experience. Phrases like, “Are you sure it happened that way?” can effectively end any constructive dialogue about sexual assault. Even seemingly harmless comments like, “Did you say no?” or “Why didn’t you tell someone?” can undermine their sense of reality and imply that they somehow deserved what happened. This is a critical misstep in discussing sexual violence and should be avoided at all costs, as it compounds the pain they’ve already endured.
While engaging in these discussions, it’s important to monitor your own feelings, especially if you are also a survivor. It’s perfectly acceptable to excuse yourself if the conversation becomes too triggering. If you find yourself feeling panicked, nauseous, or overwhelmed, you may need to prioritize self-care. Whether that means taking a break or seeking support from a therapist, it’s essential to acknowledge your own needs.
Sexual assault is a traumatic event with lifelong repercussions, and we need to establish common-sense guidelines as these conversations emerge from the shadows. This can only happen if individuals feel safe sharing their stories, and that safety comes from compassion and understanding.
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Summary:
In conversations about sexual assault, it’s crucial to listen with empathy and respect, creating a safe space for survivors to share their experiences. We must prioritize trigger warnings, respond with compassion, and resist the urge to ask intrusive questions. It’s equally important to care for our own emotional well-being during these discussions.