Why Are Parents Choosing Unusual Names for Their Kids?

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Dear America,

Can we please talk about the trend of naming children some truly bizarre things? Seriously, it’s time to rethink these choices. Recently, I came across the news that a celebrity named his newborn son “Boomer,” which, let’s be honest, sounds more like a nickname for something you’d flush down a toilet than a serious name. This poor child is going to carry that label for life. Try saying, “This is my son, Boomer,” out loud and see how ridiculous it sounds. Imagine, “Boomer, come here!” or “Okay, Boomer, time for your adult responsibilities!” It’s just not a name that works.

Sadly, this isn’t an isolated incident. Many modern baby names simply don’t pass the “functional name” test, which consists of saying various phrases out loud and gauging their suitability. Names like Paisley (which is a pattern, not a person), Kattelynn/Kaitelenn/Kytlynn, and anything starting with an unnecessary “y” have become far too common. Parents these days seem to forget that their child will have to introduce themselves for years to come.

We really might need a list of acceptable baby names, similar to those in some European countries. Not all unique names are bad—names like Persephone or Xanthippe have their charm. But let’s face it, “unique” doesn’t always equate to “great.” A child named Blade will likely have to explain their name, which will probably lead to assumptions about their parents being nerdy Dungeons & Dragons enthusiasts. Trust me, naming your child “Ender” is a misstep.

Some might argue that the choice of name is entirely up to the parents, and who are we to judge? Well, we’re the ones who have to pronounce those names or, worse yet, avoid laughing when we hear them. And let’s be real; in America, we’re known for judging everything.

Here are the types of names that will have us shaking our heads:

1. Names Better Suited for Pets: If your child’s name sounds like it belongs on a dog—think Boomer, Fido, or Ninja—please reconsider. Don’t name your kid something like “Brownie” or “Cherry-Blue.”
2. Pretentious Literary References: We get it, you love classic literature. But naming your kid Atticus or Moby is a stretch. Your child shouldn’t have to navigate life with a name that screams, “My parents read too many books!”
3. Names from Sci-Fi or Fantasy: Your daughter isn’t Khaleesi, and your son isn’t a character from “Game of Thrones.” Let’s leave those epic names in the fiction realm.
4. Overly Altered Spellings: Just because you add a “y” to a name doesn’t make it special. Kaytlynn is not cooler than Kaitlyn. Your child will forever have to clarify their name to others, which is a hassle no one needs.
5. Names Starting with “X”: Sorry, but names like Xenon and Xarina are just not practical. You can’t swap “X” for other letters in a name and expect it to work.
6. Fairy or Elf Inspired Names: If you’re thinking of names like Pixie or Nixie, please stop. Your child is not a character in a fairy tale.
7. Place Names You’ve Never Visited: Naming your child Dakota or Sierra when you’ve never been to those places seems a bit disingenuous, don’t you think?

Ultimately, it’s the child who will bear the brunt of your naming decisions. You don’t have to stick to traditional names like Elizabeth or Christopher, but do choose something that won’t lead to ridicule. There are plenty of beautiful, unique options out there—just steer clear of the ridiculous ones. One day, we’ll have nursing homes filled with adults named Paisley, and you’ll have to answer for it.

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In summary, let’s be a little more thoughtful about the names we choose for our kids. They deserve names that will serve them well throughout their lives, not ones that will make them the punchline of a joke.