By: Jessica Taylor
Updated: Jan. 28, 2021
Originally Published: Sep. 24, 2016
As soon as she stepped off the bus, I could sense that something was wrong. Her shoulders drooped under the weight of her backpack, and her gaze was fixed on the ground as she approached me. When she finally looked up, I noticed the glistening tears in her eyes. I wrapped my arms around her, reassuringly, and said, “Tough day, huh?” She nodded and sighed, “It’s just so hard to talk to other people, Mom.” My heart sank; I often found myself wondering how to help my painfully shy daughter navigate the daunting social landscape of middle school.
From a young age, Sarah has always been shy. Overwhelmed by large crowds and chaotic family gatherings, she would often retreat into her shell, trying to process everything around her. Thankfully, in her early years, teachers were understanding and supportive, helping her connect with classmates during playtime or lunch. However, as she transitioned into the tween years, her shyness became more pronounced, making the challenges of adolescence even tougher.
School activities now revolve around social interactions, and the cliques formed among tween girls can be intimidating for someone who struggles to engage easily. More often than not, Sarah prefers to hide behind the pages of her favorite book instead of stepping out of her comfort zone. As an expressive person myself, it’s heartbreaking to watch her wrestle with what feels like an overwhelming barrier.
The lunchroom, infamous for its social hierarchies and unspoken rules, can be particularly isolating for a shy tween. On that day when she came home upset, Sarah had faced yet another anxious lunch, unable to muster the confidence to break the ice with her classmates. Together, we’ve developed some effective coping strategies that have helped her manage her shyness:
1. Communicate with Teachers
By informing Sarah’s teachers about her discomfort with public speaking, they’ve been able to implement creative strategies to encourage her participation in the classroom. For example, one teacher provided her with a discreet code word to signal when she needed to ask a question but felt too anxious to raise her hand. Most educators have experience working with shy students and can be invaluable in supporting your tween.
2. Bring a Friend to Events
Despite her love for dancing, the idea of attending a school dance alone terrifies Sarah. Inviting a couple of friends over beforehand helps her feel more comfortable and relaxed. By the time I drop them off, the sound of their laughter as they enter the school reassures me that she’ll have a wonderful evening.
3. Practice Role-Playing
Sarah and I spend time practicing simple conversation starters. We’ve created a list of icebreakers she can use, like, “I love your shirt color!” This approach not only gives her an easy way to start conversations but also helps her feel more prepared for social situations.
4. Remove Comfort Items
When feeling shy, Sarah often defaults to her book, but we’ve discussed the importance of body language and connection. As hard as it was, we agreed to set her book aside during social interactions. This change has encouraged her to make eye contact and engage with her peers, and she’s surprised to learn that classmates often avoid interrupting her reading.
5. Seek Support from Adults
Whether it’s a coach, a scout leader, or a mentor, these adults can play a crucial role in helping your tween overcome shyness. By being open about Sarah’s struggles, we’ve seen these caring figures step up to encourage her to push past her fears and gain confidence in unfamiliar situations. It truly takes a village, and Sarah has been fortunate to have supportive adults cheering her on.
While my daughter may always be the quiet one in the background, her shyness is a part of what makes her unique. She is insightful, thoughtful, and fiercely loyal. We are committed to finding ways to ensure her shyness does not limit her experiences. And on those tougher days, all I need to do is open my arms and say, “Don’t be shy; let your mama give you a hug.” If you’re looking for more tips on parenting and fertility, check out this insightful blog post. For those considering at-home insemination, Make A Mom provides reputable kits that could be useful to your journey, and ACOG offers excellent advice on treating infertility.
In summary, by embracing open communication and seeking support, you can help your shy tween navigate the complexities of school life.
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