It’s a well-known fact that the words we choose to communicate with our children can leave a lasting impression. The phrases we use can uplift or diminish, serve as encouragement or as a hindrance, and they can introduce confusion (much like our little ones themselves). Yet, there’s one particular phrase that tends to be especially perilous — and it’s one that parents frequently repeat. I know I find myself saying it numerous times throughout my day, and I suspect you do too, often without even recognizing it.
What are these seemingly innocent, yet hazardous words?
“Mm-hmm.” Or its equally treacherous counterpart, “Uh-huh.”
Technically, these aren’t even words; they are just sounds suggesting that 1) we are listening, 2) we are interested, and 3) we agree in some manner. The irony is that in most cases, we are doing none of these things.
We continue to use them because they often serve their purpose — they help our kids stop nagging us without having to outright say, “Leave me alone! I’m busy.” Saying something like that would leave us feeling like awful parents and our children feeling insignificant. So instead, we opt for the “mm-hmm” approach, as illustrated in this scenario:
Me: *struggling to balance the budget and focus on numbers* Child: “Hey Mom, do you know Oliver from the bus — not the Oliver who eats glue, but the one with glasses who has a pet lizard? Well, he got a new video game for his birthday last week and guess what? It has this character I really want! And can I have a new game if I do some chores this week? My friend Noah — not the Noah from down the street, but the one in art class who draws dragons — he has this amazing game, and I think his mom got it from that online store!” Me: “Mm-hmm.” Child: “Thanks, Mom! You’re the best!” *runs off*
In these moments, it works like a charm. We can resume our important tasks while our kids feel acknowledged. In reality, I may have only grasped a few fragments of their conversation — lizard, video game, chores — but it’s enough to keep the peace.
Certainly, it’s essential to genuinely listen to our children — to pause what we’re doing, make eye contact, and engage with them. But they have an uncanny ability to initiate conversations exactly when we’re on an important call or racing against a deadline. So, we often resort to our reliable fallback: “mm-hmm.”
However, while “mm-hmm” can be a quick fix, it’s also a gamble. It’s like playing a game of chance. It works often enough for us to rely on it, but it can also blow up in our faces. Instead of a story about video games and lizards, it could turn into something like this:
“Hey, Mom, do you remember that dog we saw at the shelter last week? It was such a sweet dog, and my buddy Alex — not the Alex who collects stamps, but the one who loves sports — he found this stray dog that looks just like it! This dog has been living in his neighborhood, and it looks really sick and needs help. Can we take it home?”
In this instance, “mm-hmm” might provide a brief moment of peace, but it could also lead to an unexpected situation involving a sick dog and the moral dilemma of how to deal with it, leaving both you and your child feeling disappointed.
Use the Power of “Mm-Hmm” Wisely
So, fellow parents, use the power of “mm-hmm” wisely. This phrase that seems like a quick solution can sometimes make things far more complicated than they need to be.
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In summary, while we may think we’re being attentive with our “mm-hmm” responses, it’s important to recognize the risks involved. Genuine engagement with our children will always yield better results than a quick sound that might lead to unforeseen complications.
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