Lately, my eldest son, Max, has been voicing his frustration about how I seem to hold him to stricter standards than his younger brother, Jake. He points out that when Jake makes the same mistakes, I’m often more lenient, giving him extra warnings and fewer consequences. I’ll admit, he’s got a point. I tend to be more patient and forgiving with Jake, while Max often ends up in his room or facing other consequences when tempers flare during their sibling squabbles.
But there’s a reason behind my approach. The primary factor is age. Max, at 9, is three years older than Jake, who is 6. With that age gap, I naturally expect him to behave in a more mature manner. I believe he should recognize that certain words aren’t appropriate at the playground, manage his emotions better, and focus on his homework for at least 15 minutes without losing concentration. Is it fair to hold him to these expectations? Maybe not always, but it’s the reality of parenting.
I want my children to grow into kind, compassionate individuals, and that means I set the bar high for behavior. However, I’m learning that not every expectation is practical, and sometimes I have to let minor issues slide (because let’s face it, kids do a lot of silly things).
Another reason I’m tougher on Max is that he serves as a role model for Jake. Even if Max doesn’t see it, his actions influence those around him—especially his younger brother. When Max is calm, the house feels peaceful; when he’s rowdy, it resembles a wild party. Since their antics can escalate quickly, managing Max’s behavior often helps keep Jake in check. It’s a classic case of killing two birds with one stone.
This doesn’t mean I love Max any less or that I show favoritism. In fact, parenting different children requires different approaches. What resonates with one child may not work for another. Loving our kids equally doesn’t mean treating them identically; they each have unique needs, strengths, and weaknesses that we must navigate as parents.
Being the oldest sibling myself, I understand the struggle of facing higher expectations and harsher consequences for minor slip-ups. My own parents often joke that I should have been compensated for the lessons I unknowingly provided them. They were stricter with me, and while I once resented it, I now appreciate that they were simply doing their best with what they knew at the time. That’s exactly what I aim to do for my boys.
One day, when Max is older—perhaps even a parent himself—he’ll come to understand that my tough love has always stemmed from a place of care.
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In summary, my tougher approach with Max is rooted in his age, leadership role, and my desire for him to grow into a kind individual. Balancing different parenting styles for each child is essential, and ultimately, it all comes from a place of love.
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