I’m confident my kids are lice-free because, as we all know, only the most unhygienic children get lice. I picked up this gem from political debates, where the truth always shines through. My brother-in-law, a family doctor, might disagree, likely because his kids have had a brush with lice. He prides himself on being obsessively clean—much more so than I am. But still, dirty equals lice, right?
But let’s pretend for a moment that my kiddos did have lice, and I stumbled upon this revelation on the second day of our family getaway last week. Here’s what I would have learned:
- Lice Math
4 kids + 3 lice = 4 sets of bedding + essential stuffed animals = a staggering 231 items that need to be washed in a machine that’s definitely not mine. - Prosecco
There’s never enough prosecco to cope with this chaos. Why didn’t we stock up when we passed that liquor store in the tax-free zone?! Oh, the horror! More. Prosecco. Needed. - Lice Medicine
Buying lice treatment at an out-of-state Walmart? No one’s judging you here. Ironically, though, you’ll probably still find yourself judging others for what’s in their carts. - The Itching
Oh, the agony! The itching feels like it will never cease. Never. - Tiny Combs
You slather slippery stuff on 24 inches of hair, then meticulously comb it out using tiny metal combs in tiny sections. This has to be the true definition of hell. Where’s my prosecco? Did we even get chardonnay? Who did the grocery shopping for this trip? Is there no prosecco at Walmart next to the tiny combs and lice medicine? Seriously, I thought this was America. - Judgment
One child is clearly patient zero. You might find yourself punishing her with scornful references to Typhoid Mary to silence her whining as you comb through her hair. She’s the reason we’re in this mess. No one sits in her car seat. No one. Don’t give in. - Old Eyes
You somehow spotted the first louse, but now you can’t see a thing. Is there a magnifying glass at Walmart? Because there absolutely should be, right next to the combs and prosecco. - Blow Drying
You’ll be instructed to blow dry your children’s hair every other day indefinitely, despite the fact that you haven’t had time to properly dry your own hair in years. Apparently, heat kills lice. Well, blow drying a small forest of hair for hours every day feels like it could kill my spirit. If you didn’t get prosecco yet, feel free to devour all those Hershey bars you bought for campfire s’mores. Just blame it on Typhoid Mary when you run out of s’mores supplies. - Fair-Weather Friends
Upon your rushed return home, you’ll face a 50/50 chance that all playdates and birthday party invitations will be canceled. One friend might suggest, “How about in two… um, three weeks?” Meanwhile, another will call, panicking because her nanny just discovered lice in her kid’s hair too! “I can’t drive; I’m itching!” Suddenly, she’s all about that playdate. - You’ve Learned Nothing
When a friend with her own lice-infested child agrees to the playdate, you’ll hesitate for a moment, debating whether you actually want to go through with it… because, well, lice. So dirty.
In conclusion, wash everything, buy more prosecco, get a tiny metal comb and some Permethrin shampoo (my brother-in-law suggested it), then comb, comb, comb and blow dry every other day for eternity. Amen.
And if you’re searching for a silver lining, and the tiny metal comb doesn’t shine bright enough, remember this: one website suggests viewing the nit-picking process as quality time with your child. Personally, I think it’s just more of an excuse for drinking more prosecco, but what do I know? My kids don’t have lice. Or do they? I won’t judge. Honestly.
Okay, fine. My kids do have lice. Grab a Hershey’s bar and let’s survive this together.
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Summary:
Navigating the chaos of lice can be overwhelming, but with a bit of humor and a glass of prosecco, you can tackle the challenges. From laundry overload to blow-drying routines, it’s a wild ride. Whether your kids are lice-free or not, you’re not alone in this parenting adventure.
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