In December, I made the decision to stop taking my medication for anxiety and depression. This choice stemmed from a change in my healthcare plan and a misguided belief that I had everything under control. When I first started taking medication, I was in a dark place, overwhelmed by tension and sadness. I struggled to sleep and to manage daily life. I needed support.
If I had been single or just married, I might have tried to “tough it out,” but as a mother of a 2-year-old son and a 3-year-old daughter, I knew they needed a fully present mom. They required someone who wasn’t lost in thoughts about how bleak life felt or constantly worrying about imagined disasters. They deserved the best version of me, and being unmedicated simply wasn’t cutting it.
After a year on medication, I began to feel more capable. I thought I had evolved into the mother my children needed, as well as the friend and wife my loved ones deserved. I convinced myself I could manage without my medication.
I was mistaken.
For five months, I desperately tried to embody the person I aspired to be — one who perceived life through a lens of clarity rather than a fog of anxiety and sadness. There were good days, small victories, but as time passed, I felt the crushing waves of anxiety and depression pulling me back under. I reached a point where I realized I couldn’t manage without medication.
This realization hit hard. I felt like a failure, as if there were some flaw within me. I blamed myself for not trying harder, for not getting enough rest, for not doing everything “right.” I felt weak and hopeless, convinced I could never be the person my family needed.
But now, after several weeks back on medication, I can confidently say that those negative thoughts are completely unfounded. The only “issue” I have is that my mental health is different from others. My brain doesn’t function like everyone else’s, leading to persistent anxiety and depression. But this is not a flaw; it’s simply part of who I am. Just as I have brown eyes and curly hair, I also have anxiety and depression—and that’s perfectly acceptable.
Many people feel stigmatized for taking medication, but I want to emphasize that it makes me a better parent. It helps me regulate my emotions, allowing me to engage with my children more fully, rather than being distracted by worries. I can wake up each day, ready to interact, teach, and love my kids fiercely. I no longer snap at the smallest inconveniences because I’m not constantly on edge. I can take a breath and appreciate both the joyful and challenging moments, knowing I’m the best mom my children could have.
I wouldn’t wish anxiety or depression on anyone; it’s a challenging and often painful experience. If you’re struggling, please seek help. You might face judgment from others, but their opinions are insignificant. What truly matters is that medication can help you become the person you aspire to be. It can restore your sense of wholeness. My medications are a precious gift, not only for me but for my children, and I will continue taking them as long as necessary to be the best mom I can be.
My kids deserve it.
I deserve it.
You deserve it, too.
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Summary:
In this article, I share my personal journey with anxiety and depression, emphasizing the importance of medication in my life as a parent. I discuss the challenges I faced when I stopped taking my medication and how returning to it has allowed me to be a more present and engaged mom. Ultimately, I encourage others to seek help and recognize that taking medication is not a sign of weakness but a step towards being the best version of oneself.
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