When it comes to family, uniqueness can sometimes attract unwarranted attention. My family certainly fits that bill. My children are of Asian descent, while my partner and I are white. It’s safe to say that people usually deduce that our kids are adopted.
While I understand that being different can pique curiosity, it also opens the door to questions that can be downright invasive or even offensive. I remind myself that most folks don’t intend to put me in uncomfortable situations with their inquiries. Sometimes, though, it can be hard to maintain my composure, especially when faced with some truly outlandish questions. Here are a few that stand out:
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“What happened to their ‘real’ parents?”
Let’s clear this up: the appropriate term is “birth parents.” And honestly, that’s a personal matter. My kids have enough to think about without being prompted by strangers to question their identity. If you find yourself about to ask about “real” parents, it’s best to reconsider.
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“Your child is so lucky/You’re a saint for rescuing that poor child.”
First off, I am neither a saint nor some kind of superhero. My child isn’t a charity case, and I didn’t adopt to save anyone. My partner and I simply wanted to build a family.
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“Can’t you have your own children?”
Seriously? Questions about my reproductive capabilities are just not appropriate. It’s not a great way to start a conversation, to say the least.
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“Why did you adopt from X instead of Y?”
Why did we choose a child from China over one from the U.S.? This question often comes with judgment. The reality is that the decision to adopt is complex, with many factors at play. Unless you are genuinely considering adoption, it’s wise to steer clear of these inquiries.
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“Adoption must be the easy way to have kids, right?”
Just because I didn’t experience pregnancy complications doesn’t mean adoption was without its challenges. There’s often a long and painful journey behind the decision to adopt, and it’s not something to be trivialized.
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“I could NEVER…”
It’s always interesting when someone declares what they could never do without having faced those circumstances. It’s an easy stance to take when you haven’t walked the same path.
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“How much did the adoption cost?”
Asking about the financial aspects of adoption is as intrusive as inquiring about someone’s credit score. If you find yourself about to ask this, pause and think about the appropriateness of such a question.
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“Do you think they’ll grow up to be communists?”
This one takes the cake for absurdity. Our children, who are now U.S. citizens, deserve to be viewed as individuals, not stereotypes. Their future political beliefs are not on my radar right now; I’m more focused on their happiness and growth.
Curiosity can be a double-edged sword. Knowing when and how to ask certain questions should be guided by your relationship with the person you’re speaking to. Just as you wouldn’t approach a new mom and comment on her baby’s size in a tactless way, consider your approach with families that may stand out for various reasons.
In short: let’s make an effort to be more thoughtful in our conversations. Nobody appreciates rudeness.
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In summary, while curiosity can be natural, it’s crucial to approach sensitive topics with care, especially regarding adoption. Let’s strive for understanding and kindness in our interactions.
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