I often find myself worrying, and as a white woman and a new mother to a two-month-old white baby boy, those worries have intensified. Growing up with a sister and mostly female cousins, I never anticipated the challenges of raising a boy. When I learned I was having a son, I didn’t fret about the gender biases he would face — unlike I did for a potential daughter. I also didn’t consider how racial privilege would shape his experiences, simply because, as a white person, I had never needed to contemplate it until he was born.
In the wake of his arrival, my social media feed was flooded with news about a heinous crime: a privileged white man named Tyler Brooks, who received a mere slap on the wrist — a six-month sentence — for raping a woman. The judge ruled that a harsher penalty would disrupt his life. But what about the victim? I fear that my son could one day mirror this behavior.
Not long after, I witnessed heartbreaking news about the unjust killings of two black men. Jason Thompson was shot in St. Louis by police officers, and then, shockingly close to home, another black man, Marcus Lee, was killed by officers who operate within a system that favors those with lighter skin. I can’t shake the feeling that my boy could grow up to become one of those men.
Some might say it’s selfish for me to worry about my white son. After all, I won’t have to dread for his safety based on his skin color, fearing he might be targeted during traffic stops or while simply existing in public spaces. He can wear a hoodie and play with toys without the threat of violence. I won’t have to instruct him on how to stay safe at college parties, unlike my future daughter. Instead, I may need to worry about instilling a sense of responsibility in him — the potential for him to become an aggressor rather than a protector.
My anxiety stems from a deep fear — both for black boys who face systemic injustice and for our daughters, who must navigate a world where they are often victims of violence. I’m particularly concerned about our white boys because they are the ones who must learn about equality, the concept of white privilege, and how to challenge it. It is essential that we foster empathy, compassion, and humility in them. They will ultimately inherit the privileges and power associated with their race, and despite our best efforts to teach them about fairness and kindness, I worry that they will still be influenced by societal messages about whiteness and masculinity.
I can teach my son to be kind, but mere kindness isn’t sufficient. It’s imperative that he understands the importance of consent and respects individuals’ autonomy. He must learn that, contrary to harmful stereotypes, black men should not be feared. With his whiteness and maleness comes a weighty responsibility, not a free pass to privilege.
As a white mother, I often feel lost and overwhelmed in this journey. The state of our society weighs heavily on me. Mothers of black boys are forced to teach their children how to interact with police safely, while mothers of daughters must prepare them to fend off threats of sexual violence. The least I can do is to guide my white son to become an ally rather than an oppressor.
I don’t have all the answers for how to navigate these difficult lessons, but I know that the status quo isn’t working. The ongoing violence against black boys and the sexual assault of women cannot continue unchecked.
So, I’m taking the first steps. I’m committing to listening, reading, and raising awareness within my household. It’s crucial that we focus on how we raise our white boys, as this is where change begins. We can no longer place the burden of fixing these societal issues solely on the oppressed. Instead, we, as the oppressors, must initiate the change, starting with our children.
If you’re interested in learning more about raising awareness and understanding issues of privilege, you might find this blog post insightful. For those considering parenthood, this resource provides excellent guidance on pregnancy and home insemination. And if you’re in need of at-home insemination supplies, check out Make a Mom for reliable kits.
In summary, as we navigate the complexities of parenthood and societal issues, it’s imperative to focus on raising our white boys to be compassionate, conscious individuals who understand their role in promoting equality and justice.
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