12 Realizations I Encountered While Overcoming Denial about My Son’s Autism Diagnosis

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Denial and I crossed paths a decade ago, and little did I know how deeply she would influence my life. At first, she seemed like a comforting companion, always there to help me navigate the tough days. Denial was that friend who would lounge at my kitchen table, crash in my guest room, and set up camp in my mind. And the ironic part? She never even brought a bottle of wine to share.

Denial offered me a way to avoid reflecting on the challenging moments in my past — moments I was urged to forget because she insisted they didn’t matter. For many parents grappling with “The A Word” whispered by specialists, Denial is a temporary companion. She’s the one who lingers too long, talks endlessly, and often leads us astray. Just like ignoring your mother’s warnings about that questionable boyfriend, I brushed off her red flags. Eventually, I had to face the truth, but not without my own timeline and emotional journey.

Denial often shows up right after Fear bids farewell. Just when I thought I was alone, she would remind me I wasn’t. Fear and Denial are those unwelcome friends who, while they may no longer be part of my daily life, taught me valuable lessons. Instead of chastising myself for hanging out with the wrong crowd (like that old boyfriend), I now choose to laugh at the growth that came from those experiences. After all, laughter truly is the best medicine, especially when paired with a bottle of red wine a genuine friend brings over.

Here are 12 ways I recognized Denial’s influence after my son Ethan’s autism diagnosis:

1. When Ethan’s sensory system was in overdrive, Denial convinced me that the chaos caused by the hair dryer was due to him feeling neglected by me, not the overwhelming sound itself. It seemed logical at the time.
2. Denial told me that Ethan’s lack of eye contact was not a symptom of autism, but rather a sign that he found the world around him far more fascinating than his monotonous mother.
3. Whenever I expressed sadness over Ethan’s lack of friendships, Denial reassured me that it wasn’t because he struggled socially; he simply hadn’t discovered friends worthy of his time.
4. When Ethan spun around under the kitchen light, Denial explained that he was merely curious about the light fixture, not trying to self-regulate his sensory input.
5. The tears and screams during haircuts? Denial said those were simply a sign of Ethan wanting to keep his hair long, ignoring my concerns about sensory sensitivities.
6. When Ethan protested against attending his music class, Denial insisted it was because he believed the tiny musicians should perform “Ave Maria,” rather than “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.” I mean, who wouldn’t prefer an opera?
7. Whenever I saw Ethan shy away from hugs, Denial comforted me by saying he simply wasn’t accustomed to anyone else’s hugs, because mine were the best.
8. Each time we introduced a new activity and Ethan reacted negatively, Denial suggested it was just that the old way worked well for him, so why change it?
9. When it came to new clothing, Denial assured me Ethan’s refusal was out of love for my shopping habits, not due to sensory sensitivities.
10. His preference for the same meals day after day? Denial claimed it was to ensure I never misjudged his tastes.
11. Whenever I worried about Ethan’s scripting of movies and shows, Denial comforted me by saying he might simply find the adventures of those characters far more compelling than his own life.
12. Denial did have one thing right — Ethan was fine. However, that wasn’t enough to get him the support he truly needed. It was a harsh realization that Denial never mentioned: I had to let her go to embrace Acceptance.

Letting go of Denial was no easy task. Occasionally, she still makes a cameo, but I’ve had to prioritize Acceptance — the friend I genuinely needed. Once Acceptance entered my life, all the things Denial had obscured came into focus. I knew I could move forward to find the resources Ethan needs to thrive.

Denial played a significant role in my journey, just as friends come and go, leaving their mark on us. Even though Denial lingered longer than I would have liked, her presence contributed to my growth, and perhaps to Ethan’s journey as well.

If you find yourself in Denial’s company, remember she serves a purpose but shouldn’t overstay her welcome. Your child’s future hinges on facing reality and moving forward without her whispers. When she visits, make sure she brings wine and swiftly shoo her away.

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In summary, navigating denial can be a challenging part of accepting your child’s diagnosis. Recognizing how denial influenced my perceptions helped pave the way for acceptance and ultimately, for better support for Ethan. Embrace your journey and know that you’re not alone.