June 23, 2013: A date forever etched in my heart. How can a single day embody both the height of joy and the depths of despair? It was the day my triplets entered this world, yet tragically, it was also the day I lost my first child.
As first-time parents, my partner and I were elated to learn we were expecting triplets after enduring years of infertility struggles. However, the weeks leading up to my delivery were fraught with uncertainty as I spent nearly two months on bed rest. My body held on, but ultimately let me down when I went into labor over 17 weeks early.
The sorrow from that day can make my body tremble and my heart ache anew. I remember lying in my hospital bed, filled with dread as I waited for news about my babies’ chances of survival. At just 22 weeks, most hospitals don’t even consider a baby viable. Would my children take a single breath outside the womb? The realization that the child I had longed for and prayed for might not survive was surreal. Yet, amid the emotional haze of that day, the memory of my babies’ births remains vividly clear.
After more than 12 hours of labor, my contractions intensified. At 4:48 AM on a Sunday, my first daughter, Emily, was born. She let out a small squeak as the doctor handed her to the neonatologist. Before I could comprehend the gravity of the situation, I was met with the heartbreaking news: Emily’s lungs were too weak to sustain her life. My partner and I cradled our first daughter, our hearts heavy with both love and sorrow. Despite weighing only a pound, her features were flawless — a tiny button nose and perfectly formed hands and feet. Her eyes were sealed shut, yet I knew they were as beautiful as the rest of her. We held her close as we both cried, while the doctors called her time of death nearly two hours later.
In what can only be described as miraculous, my two remaining triplets held on for 17 critical hours in the womb, defying expectations. The entire room was stunned when both Max and Lily were born, each with strong enough lungs to survive that first night.
In the weeks following their arrival, I often found myself replaying every moment of that day in my mind. Each Sunday, I would lie awake, haunted by the memories of labor and the birth of my precious children. As the tears flowed, I would anxiously await the exact moment when the doctors declared Emily’s time of death. Those painful recollections were momentarily pushed aside on August 16, 2013, when we faced another heartbreaking loss — this time it was our son, Max.
Doctors gently removed his tubes and wires, cradling him in my arms. Surrounded by family, I began to read him stories and comfort him as any mother would. We spoke about his siblings and the world beyond the hospital walls. We even chatted about college football, watching as our little blondie gave us a faint smile. Nearly four hours later, at 6:12 PM, the doctors called Max’s time of death.
Nearly three years have passed since the birth of my triplets, yet the memories remain sharp. Why would I choose to dwell on such painful recollections? Because they are all I have left. For those of us who have endured the unimaginable pain of losing a child, those heart-wrenching moments are precious. We receive tangible keepsakes: footprints, tiny hats, and hospital bracelets. But it’s the memories and fleeting images of our children that we must hold onto for a lifetime.
As time goes by, I worry that these memories will begin to fade, and I pray that the clarity of those moments remains with me forever. While the initial days were filled with grief and heartache, I now find joy in these recollections. Through my tears, a smile emerges as I think of my beautiful angels. Watching my lone survivor, so vibrant and full of life, I can’t help but feel that a piece of her siblings lives on in her. Reflecting on the day my triplets were born reminds me of the miracle of life. All three of my babies existed, and that fills my heart with pride.
For more insights on pregnancy and the challenges of child loss, check out this related post on Cervical Insemination. If you’re considering at-home insemination, Cryobaby offers reputable kits to help you on your journey. Additionally, the NICHD provides excellent resources regarding pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, the memories of my lost children are a bittersweet treasure, serving as an enduring reminder of their existence and the love that will forever remain in my heart.
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