After five years of divorce, I’ve come to terms with one undeniable truth: I can’t change my ex. He operates on his own terms, avoiding anything that doesn’t suit him, while my input often gets dismissed. The dynamics that didn’t work in our marriage certainly won’t translate into effective co-parenting.
Like many divorced couples, we find ourselves embroiled in the same recurring disputes. One common point of contention—the definition of co-parenting—has sparked countless emails and texts. My ex insists that I should only parent during “my time,” believing it’s easier for us if we don’t interfere with each other’s households. Our co-parenting communication is limited to the essentials, primarily through email and shared calendars. Discussions about who handles our child’s orthodontist appointments or RSVPs for birthday parties barely scratch the surface of our responsibilities as parents. This approach allows us to parent independently, minimizing interactions and stress.
Sounds simple, right? For me, however, this arrangement isn’t so straightforward. I thrive on engagement and put my all into everything I do. My children deserve no less effort than I invest in other aspects of my life—they are complex individuals with thoughts, feelings, dreams, and insecurities that are constantly evolving.
In an ideal world, I envision regular meetings with my ex to discuss our children’s well-being. We’d collaborate on crucial matters like safety, technology, and behavior, setting boundaries that extend beyond our separate homes. This would require effort and commitment from both of us, undoubtedly leading to some level of stress. Yet, this more involved approach would be far from easy.
Parenting is inherently challenging—exhausting yet rewarding. Suggesting regular communication and negotiation with my ex adds another layer to the already complex situation. I can see why he prefers to keep things simple. If I adhered strictly to parenting during “my time,” it might improve our relationship. I’ve witnessed blended families that seem to function seamlessly, but I’ve accepted that my family isn’t one of those lucky few. After carrying each of my children for 38 weeks and 3 days, it feels impossible to switch off my parenting instincts for an entire weekend.
Every few days, my children leave to spend time with their father. While it tugs at my heart, I find comfort in knowing they have a dad who loves them just as fiercely as they love him. I’d love to turn off my parenting thoughts and enjoy a child-free Sunday with my partner, free from incessant texts. But my maternal instincts don’t allow for such detachment; they have been ingrained in me for over 13 years, and there’s no off switch.
Thus, we remain two co-parents with differing philosophies. I’m committed to parenting around the clock, advocating for my kids regardless of the time. I’ll reach out with emails or texts when necessary, voicing my concerns and requests. My ex can choose how involved he wants to be, whether that’s parenting full-time or just part-time.
We continue our separate paths, each doing what we feel is best. If insanity is repeating the same actions while expecting different outcomes, then we’re both guilty. Yet, perhaps a touch of chaos is a norm even in the healthiest families. In the end, we’ll find our way.
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