As I glance through old photographs from my childhood, particularly those taken during my late elementary school years, I can’t help but see a gangly, awkward girl. She wore oversized T-shirts, often paired with acid-wash jeans and a disastrous perm, desperately trying to cloak her developing form. I was taller than most girls due to early puberty, a trend that unfortunately didn’t last. In those images, I recognize the beginnings of my body shame—the feeling that my body was too big, too curvy, and simply taking up too much space.
Yet now, with the wisdom that comes with age, I can confidently say that I no longer feel that way. I can’t exactly pinpoint when this transformation occurred, but the gradual shift in my relationship with my body has been profound over the past five years as I approach 40. Perhaps it’s a result of maturity, or maybe it’s the liberating mindset of “I’m done caring.” Whatever it is, it’s refreshing to feel at ease in my own skin and to let go of the need to hide.
Like many women, I’ve experienced the ups and downs of weight fluctuations throughout my teens and twenties. My genetic makeup predisposes me to be curvy, with ample breasts, wide hips, and a shorter torso. Yet, like so many, I fell prey to the societal myth that I could reshape myself into the narrow standards glorified by movies and TV. Though I never took drastic measures, I still struggled with a healthy relationship with food and body image for many years.
During some periods, I’d hardly eat, skipping breakfast and opting for a minimal lunch, only to overindulge later. This cycle of deprivation and bingeing didn’t lead to the results I desired. Even at my lowest weight, those curves remained, and the quick weight gain that followed periods of restriction only added to my misery. Food became my comfort in times of anxiety and distress.
Things changed dramatically when I became a mother. Pregnancy brought an additional 40 pounds, and despite the weight of carrying a child, I still clung to an obsession with achieving the “perfect body.” After having my baby, I was shocked to find that I still had 25 pounds to lose, the heaviest I’d ever been. Unlike some moms, my weight didn’t magically drop while breastfeeding; I needed proper nutrition and energy to care for my child.
Motherhood shifted my perspective on body acceptance. I began to appreciate my curves as indicators of nourishment and motherhood. My focus shifted from my appearance to my children’s needs, making it easier to release my fixation on achieving the ideal body.
By the time I reached 34 and had my second child, I truly started to embrace my body. I learned to nourish myself with normal portions of healthy (and sometimes indulgent) foods, enjoying them without the extremes. I had previously tossed my scale in a bid to defeat my anxiety over numbers, but now I keep one around, weighing myself infrequently and without emotional turmoil. If I gain a few pounds, it’s no longer a cause for panic.
I’ve come to understand my body’s natural shape and weight. I’m not going to be thin, but I’ve found a healthy weight range that suits me. It’s about my well-being, not a comparison to others. While I still have moments of self-doubt regarding my squishy stomach or the skin on my upper arms, I can recognize these thoughts and move on without fixating on them as I once did.
Not everyone reaches this level of body acceptance, and I’m uncertain how I got here myself. Perhaps it’s simply the passage of time and life’s natural course. Whatever the reason, I’m grateful for this liberation from constant self-criticism. It allows me to focus on what truly matters in my life. Ultimately, loving my body is synonymous with loving myself, embracing all that I am. My body no longer just occupies space; it inhabits it, radiates within it, and — dare I say — is beautiful.
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Summary
As I approach 40, I’ve finally embraced my body and let go of the shame that once plagued me. My relationship with my body has evolved, especially through motherhood, leading to self-acceptance and appreciation for my natural form. Rather than focusing on society’s standards, I’m learning to love myself and prioritize what truly matters.
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