I’ve been grappling with how to approach you regarding some crucial matters that I believe you should be aware of. It’s been a struggle for me, rooted in a sense of shame—shame that I didn’t grasp these issues until they became personal to my family. I’ve had worries about how you might react, fearing subtle cues that might suggest you’re not a safe ally for my child. I’ve also been concerned you might dismiss my experiences, which would only amplify my frustration. However, as my son matures from a charming young boy into a formidable young man, I recognize that perceptions of him will shift. I need your support in safeguarding him.
We have ongoing conversations with our son about safety. We discuss the importance of respecting police and authority figures, keeping his hands visible, avoiding wearing a hoodie that obscures his face, and not sneaking through neighbors’ yards during games or while heading home from school. We aim to strike a difficult balance between nurturing his pride in his identity and helping him recognize that not everyone will see him as we do. Unfortunately, some may label him a “thug” before they learn his name, his story, or the unique talents he possesses.
The Reality of Racism
Here’s the reality: While we strive to protect him and teach him self-defense, there will come moments when your child might be involved. As the parents of my son’s white friends, I urge you to speak to your children about racism. It’s essential to discuss the biases others may hold regarding my son and what actions they should take if they witness injustice.
I understand that in a predominantly white environment, it’s easy to adopt a “colorblind” perspective, believing it reflects enlightenment and progressiveness. However, teaching your kids to be colorblind may leave them unaware of the unique risks my child faces. If you convey that racism is a relic of the past and use my family as a token example of racial harmony, you’re not doing me any favors. Just because you haven’t encountered overt racism doesn’t mean it’s absent.
Recent Experiences
Consider this: Just two weeks ago, I was on the phone with my son’s school principal addressing the racial slurs he was subjected to from a classmate. We were grateful for how the school handled the situation, as it’s a victory that our son felt safe enough to report what he was facing—a privilege many children lack. It’s easy to believe we live in a post-racial society when you aren’t aware that a neighbor reported my children to Child Protective Services for acting in the same way as the ten white kids they often play with. Playing in the street (we live on a cul-de-sac), barefoot in our front yard, or asking neighbor parents for snacks were the actual complaints lodged against us.
I can’t express the trauma former foster children endure when a social worker arrives to investigate them. It’s something I’m still processing, especially since the complaint was quickly dismissed. I suspect that neighbor doesn’t view himself as racist; however, when white kids engage in the same behavior, it’s seen as “kids being kids,” but when children of color are involved, it becomes a matter for authorities. This isn’t concern; it’s harassment.
A Call to Action
So, white parents, I implore you: talk to your kids about racism. If they witness my son being bullied or called derogatory names, they need to stand by him. They must grasp the gravity of such actions and not just dismiss them as jokes. If your child is with my son at the park and the police drive by, encourage them to remain there with him. Be a witness. In those moments, be especially polite and respectful. Don’t run away or leave my son alone. If your child is with him, this is not an opportune moment for risky antics; he will not be judged by the same standards as your child.
White parents, please treat my son with the dignity and respect he deserves. Avoid actions like rubbing his hair just to see how it feels. Refrain from using slang you think might be humorous. If you’re considering making a joke that could be perceived as offensive, just don’t. Your children are absorbing your perspectives, even through humor. Be mindful of the media messages they encounter about race. Engage in difficult discussions about current events. This is not something to avoid simply because you can; he cannot. We cannot.
Advocacy and Change
Be advocates for this remarkable young man who has shared meals at your table, sat beside your child in church, and celebrated birthdays with your family. He is not an exception to the rule; he will not be shielded by my white privilege throughout his life. He is not fundamentally different from any other little black boy, and each of their lives is valuable, created with purpose. I hold onto hope that when white parents start addressing these issues with their children, that’s when real change will begin.
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Conclusion
In summary, the conversations about race and the realities of our society are crucial. It’s vital for white parents to engage their children in discussions about racism and to foster an environment of understanding, respect, and advocacy for all children.
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