If You’re a Mom with Young Kids Who’s Not in the Mood for Sex, You’re Not Alone

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Dear Overwhelmed Mama,

I get it—really, I do. You’re juggling a baby at your breast while toddlers are climbing all over you like you’re their personal jungle gym. Your preschooler has firmly decided that being attached to your hip is the only way to navigate this chaotic life. You’re up at all hours, dealing with feedings, nightmares, wet beds, or the myriad other nighttime parenting challenges.

You’ve been poked, cuddled, kissed, and generally loved on all day long. At the end of this exhausting marathon, the last thing you want is to engage in some evening intimacy.

Oh, I hear you! I’ve been there too. After the birth of my first child, my libido took a nosedive. We ended up having two more kids without even trying, which means there was some action, but let’s be real—most of it felt like pity sex on my part. I had no interest in physical intimacy 90% of the time. Okay, maybe even 97%. It was a significant issue.

It was tough. I felt awful for constantly turning down my partner, Jake. He was incredibly understanding, but it was hard for him to truly grasp the depths of my disinterest in sex. It wasn’t just that I wasn’t in the mood; I actively didn’t want to engage. The mere thought of it was often off-putting.

For some, physical touch is their love language. I appreciate physical affection to an extent, but then I hit my limit. With three little ones, there’s an abundance of touching, especially from the younger two, who are particularly snuggly. And while I genuinely treasure those moments, I eventually reach a point where enough is enough—usually around 5:00 PM!

Reconciling my emotional closeness with Jake and my physical distance was a challenge. Our relationship wasn’t suffering in other aspects; I still felt loving and connected emotionally. However, my body wanted no part of it. By the end of the day, being touched made me feel overwhelmed. I was simply touched out.

I was also utterly exhausted. Once the kids were finally asleep, I craved relaxation. For Jake, intimacy was a way to unwind, while I viewed it as an energy-consuming task. Despite its enjoyment factor, the idea of expending energy on anything—let alone sex—wasn’t happening. Nope, I’d rather get some sleep.

But I’m here to reassure you—it does get better! My youngest is now six, and I’m thrilled to say that my desire for intimacy has returned. Yes! I once questioned whether I’d ever feel that spark again. My doctor assured me that my experience was typical during those early years—thanks to the changes that come with parenthood, hormonal shifts from breastfeeding, and the exhaustion that comes with it all. But I couldn’t help but wonder if something was wrong with me.

As it turns out, I was perfectly normal! What a relief!

Here are some strategies that helped me navigate those challenging years:

1. Plan Ahead: It may sound unromantic, but scheduling intimacy can help. I found that if I could mentally prepare for “business time,” it made things easier. This way, I wouldn’t forget about it altogether, as thoughts of intimacy often slipped my mind. Sticking to a schedule or aiming for a certain number of times each week can prevent the flames from dying out completely.
2. Open Communication: Jake and I had many discussions about our needs and desires—what frequency felt right for him and what felt overwhelming for me. We sought a middle ground, understanding that compromise was necessary during this challenging life phase.
3. Express Love in Other Ways: I made it a point to communicate that my lack of desire wasn’t a reflection of my feelings for Jake. It was tough for him to fully understand, so I focused on expressing my love through kind words, actions, and as much non-sexual physical affection as I could muster.
4. Just Do It: Sometimes, I would engage even if I wasn’t feeling it. Surprisingly, initiating intimacy sometimes sparked my desire. If the thought didn’t make me cringe, I’d make the effort for Jake’s sake, knowing it was significant for him.
5. Remember, This Too Shall Pass: While I can’t promise you’ll be back to your old self right away, I can tell you that low libido is often just a phase of life, parenthood, or marriage. Life does improve, and intimacy may start to feel less like a chore and more like a joy again. Believe it or not, you may even find yourself initiating intimacy someday. Yep, it’s possible!

You’re not alone in feeling this way—many mothers experience a decline in sex drive after having kids. Be gentle with yourself and hang in there; your desire will return, and it will be worth the wait.

Warmly,
A Mom Who Rediscovered Her Spark

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In summary, many moms struggle with low libido after having kids. Recognizing that it’s a common experience can help, and employing strategies like scheduling intimacy, communicating openly, and finding alternative ways to show affection can ease the burden. With time, patience, and understanding, you can reclaim your desire.