How to Keep the Spark Alive After Becoming Parents

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As I peered over the side of the bed, I was hit with the realization that we weren’t alone. With a heavy sigh, I tucked my head under the covers and wished for invisibility.

Finding moments for intimacy becomes one of the most complex challenges once kids enter the picture. The carefree days of needing to be “in the mood” are long gone; now it’s about seizing the moment whenever it arises—no questions asked.

I’m convinced that children possess a sixth sense that alerts them to anything remotely enjoyable that doesn’t involve them. Whether it’s snacks, phone calls, or important adult conversations, they just know. It’s as if they have a built-in radar that goes off at the most inconvenient times, knocking on doors when you least expect it.

This can put a strain on your relationship, but fear not—I’ve put together a list of strategies to help keep your connection alive amidst the chaos:

1. Adjust Your Expectations: This cannot be emphasized enough. My Aunt Linda, happily married for over 50 years, once told me that the key to a lasting relationship is managing expectations. After a long day filled with tiny demands, you won’t always have the energy for elaborate romantic endeavors. Sometimes, a successful night means simply managing to remove your underwear. Instead of expecting a grand event, find joy in small acts—like when he helps with the dishes. (Seriously, is there anything hotter than unprompted housework?) Embrace quickies and be okay with limited foreplay. And yes, if your body mistakes sexual arousal for a midnight snack, roll with it.
2. Get Creative with Locations: We co-slept for years—five of us in a king-sized bed, which left little room for privacy. You learn to improvise. Utilize the kids’ beds; they won’t mind! That pile of clean laundry? Perfect for a quick rendezvous. Bathroom doors lock, and closets can be your secret hideaway. Invest in a camper? Jackpot. Wireless baby monitors were truly invented for moments like this—practice makes perfect!
3. Master the Art of Multitasking: Being fully engaged can lead to chaos, so it’s essential to multitask mentally and physically. Always listen for the kids—your ears need to be attuned to any cries. Keep an eye on the door for any stealthy little ones who might intrude. Co-sleeping takes this to a whole new level; you might need to keep a hand on your toddler to prevent a surprise visit. Just remember, this kind of multitasking can have unexpected consequences—like inadvertently adding to your family!
4. Date Your Partner: Flirt! Sneak away for a few minutes together, even if it’s just in the laundry room. Compliment your partner on what they’re doing or wearing. Finding the time for intimacy is tough, so establish a warm and playful environment that sets the stage for later. If you’re fortunate enough to have a babysitter, seize that opportunity for a quick romantic outing. A little time away can reinvigorate your partnership.
5. Keep Things Fresh: After a while, intimacy can become routine, particularly after kids. Make an effort to switch things up. Our daughter sleeps in a portable crib in our walk-in closet, which allows us to reclaim our bedroom for ourselves. Be spontaneous when the kids are occupied or try scheduling intimate time, as the anticipation can be thrilling. This way, you can also tire them out before bedtime!
6. Playfully Mislead Your Kids: “No, sweetie, Daddy was just giving Mommy a back rub. Now go back to bed.” “Nothing is happening; we’re just organizing the pantry.” “Daddy’s outside… checking on the swing set!” Sometimes, a little fib is what you need to maintain the peace.
7. Embrace the CTFO Method: Seriously—chill out. Stressing over intimacy is counterproductive. Kids change everything, and that’s okay. Adapt, be creative, and learn to be spontaneous. It’s fine to let the baby cry for a few minutes while you reconnect. If things don’t work out tonight, try again tomorrow—or in the middle of the night. Lower your expectations and, as Nike says, just do it!

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Summary: Parenting challenges often put a strain on intimacy, but with a shift in expectations, creativity in location, and a commitment to maintaining the spark, you can keep your relationship thriving. Embrace spontaneity, communicate openly, and don’t hesitate to let the kids think you’re just “doing taxes.” With a little effort and humor, you can still enjoy the romance amidst the chaos of parenthood.