“I want that toy!” my 4-year-old son, Lucas, insists. “I have enough money!”
Lucas has about $2, so I gently explain that it’s not sufficient for the toy he desires.
“But I want it!” he pleads, his voice rising, eyes wide and jaw tense. I can sense it—the impending storm of emotions. In the toy aisle at Target, I brace myself for what’s about to unfold.
“I – want – that – toy!” his scream erupts, followed by deep, hitching sobs. “I want it!” he gasps between cries. I can only apologize and suggest that perhaps next time will be better. Part of me wishes to give in, to buy the toy to quell his cries, a temptation many parents face. But alongside my sympathy, I feel a surge of frustration—why can’t he manage his emotions like my other children?
Lucas is what many would label a difficult child. He easily becomes overwhelmed; his emotions can quickly spiral out of control, resulting in screams, clutching, or even hitting. He can be incredibly stubborn; convincing him to eat is like persuading a cat to take a bath. His frequent meltdowns over wanting something he can’t have and his selective compliance can leave me feeling drained.
For a time, I struggled with frustration towards him. It’s a tough reality to love your child while also feeling anger towards them. As a parent who usually embraces gentle parenting principles, I regretfully resorted to spanking him. This only reinforced what I learned: spanking out of anger is futile and ineffective.
However, over time, we discovered strategies that actually worked. While Lucas’s stubbornness remains, I’ve learned to manage it better, allowing me to enjoy my time with him rather than dread the next outburst. If you find yourself in similar shoes, know that you’re not alone. Many parents face similar challenges, and there are effective ways to navigate them.
Communicate Daily Plans
Let your child know what to expect throughout the day. This might seem irrelevant to the tantrum that’s brewing, but it provides them with certainty. Many kids feel lost when they have no idea what’s coming next. For Lucas, I might say, “First we’ll go grocery shopping, then we’ll hit Target. After that, we can have sandwiches. Your friend will visit, and you can play until 4 PM. You can watch some TV afterward, and Daddy will decide dinner.” This structure helps him feel grounded and more likely to eat his sandwich.
Accept Tantrums
Understand that tantrums will happen, and they may occur in public. People might judge your parenting; that’s okay. Sometimes you’ll need to leave, while other times staying is best. Both options are valid, so don’t stress about it.
Ask Questions
Try asking, “Do you want to be upset alone or with me?” Lucas typically responds, “With you!” I then hold him close as he cries, which tends to shorten the duration of his outburst because he feels secure and understood. If he’s too far gone to respond, I reassure him that I’ll check in once he’s calmer. You know your child best; some kids need immediate comfort, while others might need space first.
Use Touch
Never underestimate the power of touch. If you have a child who often ignores you, try touching them gently when making a request. This tactile connection can help center them and remind them to focus.
Offer Choices
If you anticipate a struggle over footwear, for example, present options: “Would you like to wear the red shoes or the green ones?” By giving them choices, you can sidestep potential triggers and keep meltdowns at bay.
Make Cleaning a Consequence
If you’re like me, asking your child to clean often leads to a tantrum or outright refusal. Make it clear: if toys are left out, they may be put away. This might provoke a dramatic reaction, but let it happen. Then repeat the message, and if necessary, act as though you’re throwing away a toy or two. This can motivate them to clean up without constant reminders. Breaking tasks into smaller chunks—like “clean up the blocks” instead of “clean your room”—also helps.
Raising a stubborn child can be maddening, but it can also be filled with joy and love. It’s easy to feel isolated in these struggles—the tantrums, the defiance, the hitting. But remember, you’re not alone. Parenting a challenging child requires extra attention to self-care, so prioritize your needs. Take breaks when you can, and engage in activities you both enjoy. Lucas and I love snuggling on the couch to watch our favorite shows. Stay connected, and keep in mind that while this phase may be tough, it will eventually pass.
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In summary, navigating the challenges of raising a difficult child can be overwhelming, but with the right strategies, you can foster calm and connection. Embrace the journey, and remember to take care of yourself along the way!
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