There was a moment in my parenting journey when I found myself advising my child to physically confront another kid. Yes, I said “hurt,” and I don’t take it lightly. You might expect me to lament this choice as a misstep, but looking back, I believe it was a pivotal moment in my parenting.
Let me explain. When my son, Ethan, started pre-K, I thought I was nailing this whole parenting thing. I was the mom who preached emotional awareness, encouraging him to “talk about his feelings” and reminding him that “violence is never the answer.” Ethan was the epitome of kindness—his teachers praised his impressive vocabulary and his compassion for others. I reveled in the validation that I was doing everything right.
Fast forward a few years, and when Ethan transitioned to first grade, I noticed some troubling changes. His once pristine clothes were now a mess, stained with grass and dirt. When I asked what was happening, he casually mentioned that a classmate had been “playfully” tossing him around. For a while, I brushed it off, thinking it was just typical boy behavior. But then, one day, I noticed a bruise on his cheek. My heart sank.
“What happened?” I demanded, realizing that there was more to the story. It turned out that his so-called friend had escalated his antics to physical aggression, shoving Ethan and even trying to force food he was allergic to into his mouth. My heart broke for my son. How could he not tell me sooner? Where had all those lessons about using words gone?
I reached out to the school repeatedly, but the response was lackluster. The bully faced no real consequences; assurances were made that things would change, but they didn’t. The more vigilant the adults became, the sneakier the bully got. That’s when it hit me: my son was learning a harsh reality. Not everyone plays by the rules, and sometimes, adults don’t intervene.
In our modern age of overprotective parenting, we often shield our children from hard truths. But when it comes to self-defense, we must reconsider. I realized that I had inadvertently taught Ethan to be passive when he needed the courage to stand up for himself. That night, we had a heart-to-heart. I explained that while hitting is wrong, there are times when defending oneself is necessary. I referenced Teddy Roosevelt’s famous phrase: “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”
The next day, Ethan put my advice into action. When the bully attempted to pick him up again, Ethan pushed him away, surprising the boy and finally asserting his boundaries: “No, I don’t want this.” To my astonishment, this confrontation sparked a change. They ended up reconciling, as the bully began to understand what it felt like to be on the receiving end of hurt.
Some might argue that children can’t discern when it’s appropriate to use force. That’s where we, as parents, come in. Mistakes will happen, and that’s part of life’s messiness. While we should always encourage communication over violence, we must also equip our children with the tools to protect themselves, just in case.
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In summary, while I once thought I had to shield my son from conflict, I learned that teaching him to assert himself was just as important. Parenting involves navigating a complex world, and sometimes, we must prepare our children to defend themselves.
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