My parents exemplified a picture-perfect marriage. This August marks their 32nd anniversary, and they still share affectionate glances, steal kisses in public, and hold hands beneath the dinner table. During my 18 years under their roof, I can count the number of arguments I witnessed on one hand. That’s quite remarkable, isn’t it?
I attribute this serene atmosphere to two main factors: first, my parents are inherently agreeable and avoid conflict, and second, they were deliberate about keeping disagreements private—often waiting until my siblings and I were asleep. While this created a peaceful and loving home, it left me with unrealistic expectations about conflict in marriage.
As a child, the rare instances when I heard my parents argue were jarring. I assumed that if they disagreed, there must be something seriously wrong, perhaps even a looming divorce. This mindset lingered into my own marriage, making me question the strength of my relationship when disagreements arose more frequently than I’d seen in my childhood. I had been conditioned to believe that perfection was achievable.
My marriage with Alex is a different story. We are both strong-willed and passionate individuals, often stubborn in our opinions. While these traits help us achieve great things together, they can also lead to heated disagreements. But that’s the reality of marriage—disagreements are inevitable. We argue, take a moment to cool off, work through our issues, apologize, and then move forward together.
It’s important to me that my son, Liam, isn’t exposed to inappropriate aspects of our conflicts. However, I want him to understand that disagreements are a normal part of married life, and that love persists even in the face of conflict. We’re still mastering this, but I believe it’s crucial to model respectful disagreement in front of our children. This means maintaining calm voices, using neutral language, and if necessary, postponing discussions until we can approach them more constructively. Often, giving an issue some time allows emotions to settle, making resolution easier.
In hindsight, I wish I had known earlier in my marriage that it’s perfectly normal for couples to disagree yet still maintain love and happiness. Life doesn’t have to be flawless to be fulfilling.
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In summary, it’s essential to recognize that conflict is a natural aspect of marriage. By fostering open communication and respectful disagreement, we can equip our children with the understanding they need for their own future relationships.
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