“Mothers,” J.D. Salinger once remarked, “are all slightly insane.” In my experience, my mother takes that to a whole new level.
Scanning my social media feeds, it’s clear that my fellow moms tend to fall into two distinct categories: those whose mothers are present and those whose mothers are not. My situation is different; my mother is physically here but mentally absent. This kind of ambiguous loss is rarely acknowledged—no one organizes a memorial service or gathers support for you when your mother is alive but unreachable. There are no heartfelt condolences or casseroles left on your doorstep; after all, how do you mourn someone who hasn’t truly left?
My mother suffers from schizoaffective disorder, which combines elements of both bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I don’t take mental illness lightly, nor do I propagate the myths that surround it. I, too, have inherited more than just my mother’s appearance. Yet, she refuses to seek help, neglecting her treatment and leaving chaos in her wake. Growing up with an emotionally unstable parent and a home filled with disarray has lasting effects that shape how I navigate motherhood.
1. The Feeling of Being an Imposter
As a mother without a maternal guide, you constantly feel like an outsider. You stand on the sidelines while friends recount stories of support from their mothers during pregnancy and childbirth. You may have eventually told your mother about your pregnancy—though perhaps someone else had to do it. While other moms share their experiences, you remain on the periphery, unable to relate. Your mother lives a life of delusions, believing bizarre things about surveillance and imaginary figures, leaving you heartbroken—not just for yourself, but for those who can share these moments with their mothers.
2. Learning the Ropes of Motherhood
I may not live in a hoarder’s nightmare, but my domestic skills are lacking. I often feel overwhelmed, unsure of what constitutes a clean home. My attempts at household tasks can resemble a game of Jenga, and I only recently learned how to mince garlic. It’s a constant battle to remind myself that it’s okay to be a work in progress. I worry about passing these inadequacies onto my child while grappling with my own anxieties.
3. Navigating Crisis Alone
When my son suffered from severe colic, I found myself questioning my abilities as a parent. The sleepless nights and relentless crying made me long for guidance. But instead of reaching out to my mother—who was likely in a facility leaving frantic messages—I had to rely on my mother-in-law, my instincts, and sometimes even social media for advice. In moments of panic, like when my son’s fever spiked, I felt isolated without anyone to consult.
4. Missing Out on Joyful Moments
The absence of a mother to share in the joyous milestones of life is a heavy burden. She missed my wedding and will likely miss my son’s pivotal moments as well. While I try to convince myself that her absence doesn’t matter, deep down, I know it would be nice to share those experiences with someone who understands.
5. Fears of Passing on the Legacy
Mental illness often runs in families, leading to an irrational fear that my child might inherit these traits. I worry about whether I’ve made a selfish choice by having him, knowing that I could be passing down a difficult legacy. Even though he is currently thriving, the weight of the unknown looms large.
6. The Fear of Becoming My Mother
Alongside concerns for my child, I worry about becoming my mother. The thought of my son resenting me as I resent her is a daunting prospect. The guilt and fear of leaving him to navigate the fallout of a troubled parent is a heavy burden.
7. Limited Childhood Memories
When your upbringing is marked by chaos, it’s challenging to recall the good times. I lack cherished family recipes or traditions to pass down to my son. Creating a nurturing environment feels like an uphill battle when I have little foundation to draw from.
8. Absence of a Grandmother
My own grandmothers were wonderful influences in my life, but my son will never experience that. He’s missing out on the love and support that a grandmother can provide. I struggle to explain to him why his grandma isn’t part of his life, balancing honesty with the need to protect his innocence.
9. Embracing Self-Doubt
As time goes on, I learn to forgive my mother for her shortcomings and, more importantly, to forgive myself for the things I lacked. I recognize that my desire to be a better parent is a sign of my commitment to my child. I’m not a failure for having weaknesses—in fact, questioning my parenting makes me a better mother.
10. Rising Above
Ultimately, you are not defined by your past. You possess a depth of empathy that your mother never had. Your experiences can empower you to be a resilient and loving mother. You are capable of turning your struggles into strengths as you forge your own path in motherhood. Remember, you are a force to be reckoned with. You got this!
For further exploration of maternal experiences and insights, consider checking out our post on intrauterine insemination and resources like NHS’s guide for home insemination. If you’re looking for tools to assist in your journey, visit Make A Mom for a reputable selection of at-home insemination kits.
Summary
Navigating motherhood as someone who has a mother living with mental illness presents unique challenges. From feeling like an outsider to grappling with fears of repeating the cycle, the journey is complex. However, embracing your past while striving to create a nurturing environment for your child can lead to resilience and love that transcends your experiences.
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