Our Marriage Thrived When We Stopped Sharing a Bed

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My partner and I spent over three years sleeping in separate beds, and let me tell you, it was a game changer. Don’t feel sorry for us—our couch is pretty fantastic! This arrangement was a mutual decision that allowed us to prioritize sleep during a challenging phase in our lives, all while keeping the intimacy alive (wink wink).

Sleeping apart provided me with valuable insights into our relationship. Here’s what I learned:

1. Define Your Needs
   During my pregnancy with our first child, I struggled to find comfort in our shared queen-sized bed. My back and hips were constantly aching, and I was tossing and turning all night. One evening, I decided to escape to our spare room, where the mattress was delightfully old and saggy—just what my body needed. This setup also allowed me to pile pillows without disturbing my partner. Eventually, we relocated the guest bed into our main room to keep close while still having our own space.
2. Challenge Conventional Norms
   After our baby arrived, my partner moved to the couch to avoid waking the little one while getting ready for his early shifts. With our child being a light sleeper, we opted to wait until he was ready for his own room. That didn’t happen until he was 18 months old! During this time, I often found myself questioning our choices. But given that sleep was our top priority, we stuck with what worked best for us, regardless of whether it conformed to conventional norms.
3. Check In Regularly
   I often found myself researching “Couples who sleep apart,” worried that we were drifting into an unhealthy territory. I stumbled upon some alarming articles suggesting that couples who sleep in separate beds often become more like roommates. Concerned, I asked my partner if he was okay with our sleeping arrangement. He admitted he preferred not to disturb us during the night, and we both agreed we were content. We still shared intimate moments on the couch, discussing our dreams, goals, and family life. We realized that despite not sharing a bed, we were thriving—stronger than ever, in fact.
4. Understand That No Phase Is Permanent
   As time passed, we realized how much we missed the closeness of sharing a bed. So, shortly after our second child’s first birthday, we decided it was time to reunite. We were both eager to move away from the couch and reclaim that shared space.
5. Be Prepared to Make Sacrifices
   By this time, we were used to our own space, so we decided to upgrade to a king-sized bed. It was pure bliss, especially for me! The new mattress and bedding cost us nearly $1,000, but it was a sacrifice we were happy to make. We celebrated our reunion at the end of January, eager to reclaim our nights together.

Our time spent sleeping apart, while unconventional, ultimately strengthened our marriage. We communicated openly about our needs throughout the challenges of parenthood, prioritizing sleep and space when necessary. Was it “normal”? Probably not. But as long as we honored our vows and remained committed to each other, what “normal” meant was irrelevant.

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In summary, our journey through separate sleeping arrangements taught us the importance of communication and prioritizing each other’s needs—a vital lesson for any relationship.